The past few years have seen a number of sinister dating trends come our way. There was cookie jarring, the trend that saw people keeping multiple potential partners in their back pockets. There was ghostlighting, a combination of ghosting and gaslighting. There was even  groundhogging, a trend that saw us returning over and over again to the same type of problematic person. Now, there’s a new dating trend making the rounds: vulturing.

As the name implies, vulturing isn’t exactly a pleasant experience. The basic premise is that a potential partner hovers around (you know, like a vulture) while you’re going through a breakup, then swoops in to ‘claim their prize’. Yikes. And just like real vultures, this dating trend can be tricky to spot while you’re in the middle of it.

So, we spoke to Jessica Alderson, a relationship expert and co-founder of So Synced, to find out why this trend is happening and how to spot it for yourself.

Vulturing: when your future dates are waiting to swoop in

No one wants to be preyed upon by vultures – even metaphorical ones. 

“The term ‘vulturing’ in the dating world refers to a situation where someone is waiting to swoop in when someone’s relationship ends with the goal of becoming romantically involved with the newly single person,” Alderson tells us. “Vulturing is predatory behaviour that takes advantage of someone who is emotionally vulnerable after a breakup.”

According to Alderson, dating vultures tend to find ways of becoming close to you during your breakup, often by offering emotional support or a shoulder to cry on. “After the breakup, they leverage the connection they have built over time and use it to take advantage of their friend’s weakened state,” she says.

The psychological impact of being vultured

Being the victim of a dating vulture can have a severe impact on you psychologically – not only are you going through a breakup, but you are also being emotionally exploited by someone you thought you could trust.

“Being pursued by someone who is exploiting your emotional vulnerability after a breakup can be incredibly damaging to your mental health,” Alderson explains. “It can be hard to identify that you are being vultured because it often happens in a subtle, manipulative way.”

After being vultured, you may find that you struggle to trust other potential partners or read things into their motives. “You can end up putting up emotional barriers in a bid to protect yourself from being taken advantage of again, which can make it harder to form meaningful relationships in the future,” says Alderson. “Individuals who have experienced vulturing can develop a pattern of pushing away potential suitors who are genuine in their intentions, which means they can miss out on potentially fulfilling relationships.”

Being vultured can also make it harder for you to move on from your previous relationship.

“It’s essential to take the time to process breakups and work through the emotions that come with them. But, in order to do this, you need space,” she says. “Vulturing not only detracts from this space, but it also actively prevents healing by adding more emotional turmoil to an already difficult situation.”

How to spot a vulture

It can be hard to know if someone is trying to vulture you before it actually happens. 

Here are five red flags to look out for:

They closely monitor your emotional state. 

“When someone is vulturing, they tend to pay close attention to your emotional state to try to determine how vulnerable you are at a given moment,” Alderson says. “They might ask probing questions about your relationship without showing a genuine interest in your life beyond that. It can be hard to distinguish sincere concern from a vulture’s calculating behaviour, but listening to your intuition can help to guide you.”

They are overly keen to offer comfort and support. 

“They often use this as a way of creating an emotional bond with their victim, which they can later exploit,” she says. “While it can seem helpful and even sweet in the moment, vultures usually have an ulterior motive.”

They monitor your social media. 

This is a sign that your ‘friend’ has other motives in mind.

“They are looking for the right time to swoop in, and they want to be the first to offer support,” Alderson explains. “Vultures will try to read between the lines in your posts and photos to get a clearer picture of what’s going on.”

They weasel their way into your social circle. 

Is this person always hanging around and trying to become part of your inner circle? “They want to position themselves as someone who is already familiar and safe so that they can quickly jump in when the time is right,” Alderson notes.

They push for intimacy quickly after a breakup. 

“The clearest sign of a vulture comes after their prey’s relationship ends,” Alderson says. “They often swoop in quickly without giving their prey a chance to heal and process the breakup. Instead, they will push for intimacy and closeness by targeting your vulnerability. This is a major red flag.”

Are you being vultured? Here’s what to do next

So, you think you’re being vultured? What should you do next? Well, according to Alderson, figuring out what to do with a vulture isn’t always easy. After all, they can be manipulative, persistent, and they’re often already ingrained in your social circle.

“First, trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right about someone’s intentions, listen to your gut,” she suggests. 

The next step is to set clear boundaries. 

“Let the vulture know what you’re comfortable with and what you aren’t,” she says. “For example, you might say, ‘I need time to heal, so I think it’s best that we don’t become too close right now.’” 

In some cases, you might even want to cut the vulture out of your life completely. If that’s your decision, make sure you’re clear with them.

You might also want to focus on healing from the experience to ensure you can rebuild your trust for other future partners. “Take the time you need to process what happened and get back on track with your life,” she says. “Spending time with friends, family and other supportive individuals who can provide you with a safe environment can help. In some cases, it can be beneficial to speak to a trained professional who can provide support.”

Image: Getty