Christmas can be the most wonderful time of the year, but as many of us know, it can also be fraught with unsaid pressures, resentments and political grievances just waiting to erupt. When you mix big personalities and small spaces, it’s little wonder that festive get-togethers can quickly become a recipe for disaster.

But even if the night ends with a family feud, it’s important not to engage in the ultimate red-flag behaviour: triangulation. 

What is triangulation?

While you may not be familiar with the term, you’ve likely seen triangulation in action already. Maybe you’ve even engaged in it yourself: if you’ve ever been dragged into an argument to back someone up or involved a third-party in a spat in the hope that they’ll fight your corner, that’s triangulation. It’s often accidental, but that doesn’t stop it from being unhealthy, unhelpful and damaging to your relationships.

“Whether you intend it to be or not, triangulation is a manipulation tactic where an individual sets two people against each other to achieve an outcome that they want, such as creating conflict that deflects from their own part in a difficult situation or to instigate drama,” explains relationship therapist Rhian Kivits. As such, there are generally three roles in a triangulation: a persecutor or instigator, a victim and a rescuer, who often feels driven to fix the problems or resolve the conflict. But when a third person is brought in to take sides or broker peace, it’s easy to see how quickly a minor argument can spiral. 

Why is triangulation at Christmas so common?

During the holidays, there’s often an unspoken pressure for us to get along with extended family members we may clash with, especially as many of us regress to our teenage behaviours, rivalries and conflicts once we return to the family home. “People have an extended period off work or study and, as a result, families may spend a lot of time together in the same space,” Kivits explains. “Toxic family dynamics, resentments and irritations can surface and become amplified. Families may argue more, tolerance levels may be tested and tensions can run higher.”

The pressure to create a ‘perfect’ Christmas can also cause rifts because we’re conditioned to believe that everyone is supposed to be happy, harmonious and grateful at this time of year. So how do we avoid potential awkward arguments with our nearest and dearest?

Notice the signs early

“If you notice that someone is trying to involve you in a triangulation, be assertive and refuse to participate,” explains Kivits. “Choose to walk away and be clear about your position: you are not there to be a victim or a rescuer.”

Don’t get dragged into other people’s disagreements

Repeat after me: it’s not your job to judge, mediate or find solutions for people who are involved in a conflict. Instead, as Kivits says, encourage the individual to approach the person they have a grievance with directly so that whatever the problem is can be solved between them.

Keep to yourself as much as possible

If someone does try to instigate a conversation about a third person behind their back, Kivits suggests making it clear that you’re not available for this kind of conversation. “It can be tempting to have a little laugh at someone else’s expense, but setting clear boundaries will help you stay out of any future disputes,” she says. 

Images: Getty