Do you think of relationships as cats or toasters? The answer, hopefully, is neither, but the toaster/cat theory is one that renowned happiness researcher Arthur Brooks wants us to get familiar with.

In a recent episode of his podcast, How To Build A Happy Life, Brooks breaks down this framework by explaining the difference between complicated and complex problems. “Complicated problems in life are problems that are hard to solve, but once you solve them, you can replicate the solution over and over, like making a toaster,” he says. 

The first person who made a toaster (Frank Shailor, FYI) was probably stumped until he figured out how to wire the thing to create heat. Then, he no doubt made thousands, maybe millions, of the same thing.

Relationships, Brooks argues, aren’t like toasters; instead, they’re complex – like cats. “All the really interesting problems in life, all the things we really care about, are not about good toast. They’re about human love. These are what we call complex problems,” he says.

“Your cat is complex. It wants kibble and a scratch and warmth and to go out from time to time, but you never know what it’s going to do – and that’s because you can’t really simulate the cat. So, relationships fall into this category, the category of complex problems, and that’s why relationships are so hard to figure out and that’s why they’re still interesting to us.”

The reason behind the toaster/cat argument is that relationships are too complex to be boiled down to an algorithm. It’s why dating apps haven’t succeeded in coupling up the whole world yet.

“Here’s the problem with tech in a nutshell, in my opinion: we want cats, but technology just gives us toasters again and again and again,” says Brooks. “Tech tends to take complex problems like human love and treat it as if it were a complicated problem of trying to solve a bunch of math and it just doesn’t work that way.”

How to solve the complex problem of happiness

This all raises the question: how do we begin to find a solution to complex problems like happiness or relationships if they can not be replicated? Charlotte Fox Weber, a psychologist and author of What We Want, says that despite the recipe constantly changing, there are still core ingredients we can rely on for emotional health. 

“One of those is openness – being open to another person’s point of view, to your inner feelings, to fresh experiences, to life itself,” she says. 

“The quality of openness is something we need to nurture and fortify throughout life in so many ways. It’s difficult to stay open to new possibilities – it feels exposing and vulnerable and risky to get your hopes up and invite more pain – but when we are preoccupied with the obstacles, we get in our own way.”

According to Weber, another important element to cultivating a happier existence or relationship is by embracing the darkness. Of course, that doesn’t mean overlooking wrongdoing, hurt or hard situations. But acknowledging that relationships, work and even our mental state won’t always be perfect is a good first step to understanding when things are generally more right than wrong. 

“It helps to embrace the tensions and tolerate frustrations without getting overwhelmed by all that’s wrong and could go wrong. Many of us are self-destructive and angry but also wonderful and caring. We’re contradictions. I think many of us get too weighed down with focusing on the burdens and struggle to enjoy experiences and notice where we are,” Weber says. 

Allowing ourselves to notice these tensions with curiosity and then bring playfulness to the situations can be a tonic, she adds. “Playfulness in a relationship is valuable. It might mean silly banter, dancing badly, something sexual or adventurous — whatever feels playful is worth prioritising. Playfulness can save a relationship,” adds Weber.

“I think the myth that there’s a solution to life obstructs us from recognising what’s actually possible. Having a sense of what matters – what feels particularly valuable – gives a direction of travel, but there’s always a degree of uncertainty and we don’t have total control over life plans.”

Given that our lives, feelings and other people are contrary and evolving – more cats than toasters – Weber says:  “Planning on being perfectly happy one day is terrible pressure.” 

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