Most millennial and Gen Z women are all too familiar with the term ’narcissist’, and are often quick to label people with it. If someone is self-absorbed, they’re a narcissist. Have you been love-bombed? That person was probably a narcissist. 

But here’s a big question. While yes, these people might well be narcissists… is it possible that they’re just horrible people? Narcissism and rubbish behaviour are two distinct things, and it’s worth bearing this in mind.

Sarah Davies, a counselling psychologist and author of How To Leave A Narcissist For Good, holds the opinion that the word ‘narcissist’ gets bandied around too often with loose definitions, and this runs the risk of its true meaning being lost. 

When Davis hears someone use the word narcissist, she asks them to explain what they mean. “I think it’s important to think more about what we mean when we say things like this,” Davis tells Stylist. “Narcissism and abuse are incredibly powerful and impactful experiences to go through, but the way we use language around this runs the risk of taking the power out of what this means.”

So what is a narcissist and what’s narcissistic behaviour? Davies writes in her book that “narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a cluster B psychiatric condition as defined in the DSM (Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders; 2013)”. She explains: “NPD is characterised by long-term patterns of behaviour and attitudes that centre around self-importance, disregard for others, a pathological need for admiration together with a distinct lack of empathy.”

Key features of narcissistic personality disorder include:

• A strong sense of grandiosity with expectations of special treatment from others or institutions
• Core issues of personal identity: narcissists need constant positive regard and feedback, admiration and worship from others in order to regulate their self-esteem and sense of self
• Displays of selfish and self-seeking actions and behaviours
• Arrogance
• Anxiety
• Poor self-esteem and deep-seated insecurity, overcompensated with arrogance, haughty, belittling or judgmental behaviours or comments
• Preoccupation with ideas and fantasies about success, power, wealth, love, brilliance or looks and image

If someone is ticking off several of these characteristics, they could be a narcissist. But narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition that needs to be diagnosed by a professional. We probably shouldn’t be looking at the bad behaviour of our exes and rushing to judge them as narcissists. 

Davis first started specialising in narcissistic abuse 10 years ago and the term was essentially unheard of back then. “You’d have to really dig around to get any information about it,” she says.

Fast forward to today and it’s all over social media. “Now it seems like anyone and everyone with a ‘bad ex’ has run to social media to share their personal views on the ‘top 10 ways to spot a narcissist’,” she says.

Davies understands that social media is a great tool for learning but believes it has led to an overgeneralised idea of what the term means. She also worries that our casual use of the narcissism label means that those who are in a relationship with a true narcissist may not realise that they should seek professional support. 

Davies shares: “If you think you’re involved with a narcissist, it’s really important to arm yourself with well-informed and accurate information from a reliable and properly qualified source. Many people who have experienced narcissistic abuse have been through something traumatic, so there’s even more reason to be in the safe hands of a trained professional under the guidance of a regulatory body.”

If you think you’re dealing with a narcissist, Davies suggests assessing your feelings. “In healthy relationships, we feel relaxed, at ease, safe and secure. You feel like you can be yourself. In toxic relationships we are stressed, anxious, on edge, tearful, upset and feel like we’re walking on eggshells. We can’t be ourselves and can start to lose a sense of self.”

In her book, Davies outlines a roadmap to recovery, which includes returning a to healthier version of yourself.

“Reconnect or redefine your values. Think about what’s important to you: what do you like? What do you want? What don’t you want? Often recovery work includes learning more about healthy boundaries – mastering the art of healthy boundaries, communication, self-esteem and self-care,” Davies says.

Images: Getty