“I have a lot of love for my sister but we have very different politics”

Monica*, 25

My sister is 18 months older than me, and because our ages aren’t far apart, people always assume that we’re close. But we’re two very different people. I love my sister a lot and have a lot of affection for her but we have very different politics. She’s a corporate lawyer and is very open about the fact that she just wants to make as much money as possible in her career, whereas I’m a journalist – not a career option you tend to go into for money.

As a Black mixed-race woman, I’m also very engaged with radical left-wing and racial politics. It’s really important to me – I’ve done a lot of reading and research around it. But my sister is very apolitical and has been since we were teenagers. I think that’s when our paths started to diverge. She doesn’t engage with racial politics in any kind of way and doesn’t see being mixed race or a woman of colour as a big part of her identity.

Like a lot of teenage girls, we had a difficult relationship growing up. She was going through a hard time so would be quite mean to me, and that really hurt our relationship for a while. Now, we’re OK – but not super close. We just don’t have anything in common.

What a therapist says…

Counselling Directory member Anna Lewandowska-Bernat says: “When comparing yourself to your sister, you might notice differences in temperament and sensitivity. If you look closely, you will also see vastly different life experiences.

“Your sister, for example, was an only child for a time and had the undivided attention of your parents. When you were born, she likely experienced a shift in the family dynamic as her parents’ attention became divided. This could have led to your sister learning to become more self-reliant, perhaps even developing a belief that she needed to be independent and secure a well-paid job because she sensed that support might not always be available. As you and your sister were close in age, you likely experienced similar developmental stages together, which may have heightened competitiveness between you. It’s impossible for parents to treat both children exactly the same, and as a result, you and your sister may have received different messages from your parents.

“It’s important to engage with our siblings in an open, non-judgmental way, approaching conversations with curiosity and empathy. This can be challenging, as the emotions tied to our shared upbringing can make us defensive. However, it’s often easier to be empathetic and open with strangers than with those we’ve grown up with. Therefore, taking the time to truly listen and understand your sibling’s perspective can be one of the most valuable things you can do for your relationship.”

Why it’s normal to have nothing in common with your sibling – and how to keep the peace, according to therapists