Have you fallen victim to ‘sandcastling’ in your relationship? Here’s how to tell

Are you being sandcastled? How to tell

Credit: Getty

Relationships


Have you fallen victim to ‘sandcastling’ in your relationship? Here’s how to tell

By Amy Beecham

5 months ago

3 min read

If you’re consistently being promised the world in your relationship but the grand gestures never materialise, you might be experiencing ‘sandcastling’. One expert explains what it means for your partnership and how to navigate it.


Have you ever been in a relationship that feels like something out of a film in the beginning? You can’t believe your luck: you’ve found someone that makes you feel like you’re floating on cloud nine and is saying all the right things.

But slowly you realise that the promises they make to you never materialise. They set you up with grand expectations but never truly live up to them. Or they say they’re going to give you the world but double back at the last minute.

It’s a confusing and frustrating experience that Stylist has termed ‘sandcastling’ – the relationship may seem grand and impressive from the outside, but upon closer inspection, it becomes apparent that it’s built on shaky ground. It can feel a bit like emotional catfishing, where consistently someone builds up your hopes and expectations only to let you down. There’s not only a lack of follow-through and inconsistency in actions and words, but an overall sense of instability. The castle is made of sand.

“Sandcastling often occurs when someone feels a deep need to impress their date or partner in order to gain their affection,” says Jessica Alderson, relationship expert and co-founder of So Syncd. “They might feel that they aren’t enough and use grand gestures and promises to try to win the other person over. For example, they might promise to take you on a trip but then never follow through or think that to keep you interested, they need to constantly be giving you gifts and making lavish plans because they aren’t enough to hold your attention.”

Another common reason behind sandcastling, Alderson says, is a lack of self-awareness and emotional intelligence: the sandcastler may believe they are capable of providing everything they promise, but in reality, it’s just not possible.

After all, we all know what it’s like to get caught up in the moment. “They might make promises while feeling intense emotions that later wane, leaving the person on the receiving end feeling disappointed and let down. When they were making those promises, they meant them wholeheartedly, but when it comes to following through on them, they lack the motivation to do so,” Alderson says.

The sandcastler may believe the things they promise

So does being sandcastled have to spell the end of your relationship or can it be salvaged and rebuilt?

“Open communication is essential for navigating sandcastling,” Alderson insists. “If you notice a pattern of the signs mentioned above, it’s important to address them with your partner and have a conversation about where these false promises are coming from. You should explain why it’s hurtful to you and damaging to the relationship and you should try to get to the root of the issue.”

Put simply: if the person is willing to work at it and be mindful of their words and actions, sandcastling can often be overcome. “That said, if it’s rooted in deep-seated issues, such as insecurity, it might take some time for the sandcastler to truly heal and for the both of you to build a strong, stable relationship,” Alderson adds.


Images: Getty

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