Feel like your partner's therapist? Always think they expect you to mother them? This is what the role you play with your partner says about you.

The 6 relationship roles therapists want you to know about

positive

It’s exhausting to play the same role all the time

“I am absolutely the project manager in my relationship, and frankly, it’s exhausting. I have to manage everything from the day-to-day running of the house (I give my fiance ‘jobs’ and then have to remind him to do them) to the wellbeing of our relationship. I’m definitely the driving force and it’s become so much more apparent since we’ve been planning a wedding. Why does he only have two ‘jobs’ out of tens? And why do I have to guide him through the process of the jobs he is taking responsibility for? I’m a manager at work as well, so I often crash out and need to do absolutely nothing for a few hours. But that can’t last long… if I took off my manager hat, everything would grind to a halt: the house would be disgusting, the wedding wouldn’t be planned and we would spend no time together. It’s a lot of pressure.”

What it’s like to wear this hat:

“My husband works considerably longer hours than I do (70 hours a week to my 40) and shoulders 90% of the financial burden because of his higher salary, so I see making sure we have milk in the fridge, petrol in the car and clean clothes as my contribution to the relationship. I cook every night, organise presents for both of our families, manage our social calendar and find myself making sure he’s checked in with his friends and called his parents during periods when he’s really busy (but I think that’s more my anxious attachment style personality type than out of real necessity). Most of the time, I don’t mind – I’m a naturally very organised person, so it doesn’t feel like too much of a chore, but there are times when I wish I could feel a bit more cared for. He cares so much and it’s shown in so many ways, but just not through acts of service. I do sometimes feel self-conscious that we have such a ‘traditional’ relationship structure, particularly as we’re quite young and I’ve been made to feel in the past by friends that it’s somehow anti-feminist, but at the same time I don’t believe in performatively splitting stuff 50:50.”

“My partner is definitely the star of our relationship, and I’m the fan. She’s the most social, the funniest, the more extroverted, and I’m very happy to sit back and let her lead. She’s always doing cool things, a naturally great storyteller, and all of my friends and family love her. That’s what I first liked about her: that she could win absolutely anyone over. There’s no resentment there, apart from nights out where she takes it too far. I do get a bit fed up of being the ‘boring, responsible one’ sometimes, especially when I have to coax her to go to sleep after too many beers. But I guess that’s the natural dynamic. She’s so funny and brilliant, and I love watching her shine.”

“After he quit his job and moved out of his flat in the space of a couple of weeks, my partner started to struggle with his mental health and feel very lost. I suggested he find a therapist he could speak to so he could have some professional support during such a turbulent time for him, but he’s always been one of those guys that doesn’t really ‘believe’ in therapy (he has said multiple times that he doesn’t ‘see the point’ of therapy) and yet, he leans on me for that kind of support. I am happy to listen, but it’s starting to feel like he’s relying on me as his therapist rather than his girlfriend. It’s weighing on me because that’s a lot of emotion to take on, especially when it’s your partner. I’d feel sad and helpless that I can’t really do anything for him other than sit and listen every night. I mentioned to him a couple of times that I wasn’t a therapist and that I couldn’t fill that role for him, and he’d always be quite defensive, saying that that wasn’t what he was doing and he was just trying to talk through his feelings. It’s a very tricky position to be in.”

“I’ve lost count of the number of times my husband has WhatsApped me a picture of his haemorrhoids. It started as a one-off because he was worried about a skin thing he had and wanted me to look at to put his mind at ease, and now it’s every medical thing. It’s like he wants me to either tell him it’s fine or ship him off to A&E. I do all the usual things that lots of women do, the domestic stuff like doing both of our washing and changing our bedsheets every week, but it’s like he expects it all to be done for him now. Sometimes, he won’t even take important stuff out with him because he knows I’ll have it in my bag. Why is it my responsibility to carry tissues when he’s the one with the cold?? We went on holiday a few months ago, and there was this moment when I realised that I’d booked the holiday, packed the bags, made sure we were on time, was carrying both of our passports and was trying to soothe him because he’s scared of flying. It’s a lot, and I can handle it right now, but we’re thinking of having a baby quite soon, and I think we both deep down know what things will have to change when I have an actual child to look after, too.”

What it’s like to wear this hat: 

“When my husband and I talk, it’s always about what we’re going to have for dinner or where the kids are going to be after school that day or what we’re going to watch on TV. In the evenings, we’ll watch TV in silence next to each other on the sofa and then go to bed at separate times. Some weeks, it feels like we’ve gone five days without ever really connecting. Obviously, in the early days it wasn’t like this, but since we’ve had kids (we have a 10-year-old and an eight-year-old), we barely talk. It’s not even really about the fact that we don’t have sex as much as we used to because I know that’s common in marriages. It’s lonely to feel like you’re just cohabiting with your partner rather than being in a real relationship. And I think it can make us rude sometimes – I end up snapping about stupid stuff, like when he leaves the washing up sponge in the water rather than on the rack, which shouldn’t be a big deal. I don’t know how to bring any of this up; I don’t think he realises that this isn’t normal.”

Stylist Daily

Top relationship experts unpick exactly what the role you play with your partner really means.

Are you a therapist or a PA? Here’s what the hat you wear in your relationship says about you