Arguments are almost never about what they appear to be about. Take the age-old dispute over doing the dishes, for example. For one of my clients – let’s call her Rachel – coming home after a long day at work and seeing a stack of plates in the sink again left her raging with her husband. “If you want a maid, you could just hire one instead of turning your wife into one,” she apparently screamed at him. His response? Storming off to his study, slamming the door and “locking” her out.

While the row may have seemed to start over chores, it wasn’t until 44 minutes into our fourth session that she finally understood the real issue: how they deal with conflict as a couple and communicate. In this case? Not brilliantly. This is where I come in.

Over the last seven years of running my own private practice and working for counselling service Relate, I’ve seen a huge increase in the number of couples seeking therapy – especially younger ones. In 2020, Relate reported a 30% increase in clients in their 20s and 30s since 2014 in the UK. Everyone has their own reasons for coming to therapy, but recent TV shows such as the BBC’s voyeuristic series Couples Therapy and Esther Perel’s wildly popular podcast Where Should We Begin? have definitely increased demand. They’ve normalised the process and helped people see the value it can bring to a relationship. In short, it’s our job to give people the tools to deal with arguments and, crucially, prevent them from happening again.

Everyone is always fascinated to know what really goes on in a therapist’s office. With its statement sofa and cosy fireplace, my office in Fitzrovia in central London could be mistaken for a normal living room (if it wasn’t for all the boxes of tissues everywhere). Since the pandemic though, more of my appointments take place over Zoom. It’s rarely been an issue, although a client’s partner did once fall asleep on a call, and there was a very awkward moment involving me shouting his name at the screen trying to wake him up. In normal circumstances, though, I expect sessions to be emotional, not sleep-inducing; there are tears but there’s also laughter, something I find very rewarding.

To help fix a client’s relationship, I always begin by identifying the patterns they are falling into. We’ll start by deconstructing a recent argument. Many women, like Rachel, hold resentment. In Rachel’s case, she’d watched her mum look after her dad for years without receiving much acknowledgement in return. Her husband’s indifference towards her was therefore triggering. Rachel decided her husband was lazy and, over time, she unconsciously began searching for proof to corroborate this accusation, making her question whether she could even be with him anymore.

Things in relationships can escalate quickly if you don’t communicate your feelings properly – you need to get to the root of why you both react the way you do and what each of your triggers are. This is the advice I give to help people do just that.

IDENTIFY YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE

People assume adultery is the number one issue people come to me with. But, actually, it only makes up around 10% of clients. Most of the time, the couples I see have simply grown indifferent to each other. One way to help you reconnect? Discovering what your “love languages” are. Stay with me on this.

The concept was created in the 90s by Dr Gary Chapman to explain the five different ways in which we each give and receive love. The languages range from “quality time” to “acts of service” – once you know your partner’s, you’ll better understand how to show them love in a way that is meaningful to them.

For example, if you believe you’re showing love via performing acts of service (like making them a coffee in the morning or surprising them with dinner reservations) but your partner’s love language is actually “physical touch” or “words of affirmation” then it won’t have the impact you hope it will. You’re literally speaking different languages. Intrigued? Take this simple quiz to find out your own language.