Think about the first time you saw images or videos that were sexual in nature. If you’re part of Gen X or a millennial, perhaps it was in the ‘lads’ mags’ that lived on the top shelves in newsagents or The Sun’s infamous ‘Page 3’. For Gen Z, it’s likely your first exposure to sexual content was either on social media or porn sites, thanks to the boom in smartphone ownership.

But, as porn magazines and video cassettes gave way to the emergence of thousands of ‘tube sites’ on the internet, something changed: the type of content that people consume and how it’s affecting their sex lives. Over the past few years, there’s been a worrying trend emerging in the UK whereby aggression and violence are being normalised during sex. In 2023, a landmark report by the Children’s Commissioner’s office found that almost eight in 10 young people aged 18 to 21 report having seen pornography involving sexual violence before turning 18 – with female actors in adult films being over two times more likely than their male counterparts to be the target of sexual violence.

Given that 72% of young people also said that viewing porn affects expectations around real-life sex and relationships, a question arises around whether young women in the UK today are feeling pressured into having sex that involves physical aggression. Terrifyingly, the Children’s Commissioner’s report found that this may well be the case, with nearly half of young people surveyed assuming that girls ‘expect’ or ‘enjoy’ sex that involves physical aggression, such as airway restriction.

So, is the expectation that sex for young women should involve aggression being influenced by porn alone, or are there other factors? And what can be done – if anything – to combat this and promote healthy, consensual sex lives for women in the UK?

Cindy Gallop is an entrepreneur, Ted Talk speaker and CEO of MakeLoveNotPorn and the MakeLoveNotPorn Academy, a forthcoming global sex education hub designed to make the best of the world’s sex education content accessible to everyone and is currently crowdfunding. Gallop decided to begin her platform after experiencing “pornified behaviour in the bedroom” and set out to demystify sex, especially for young people. After setting up her business and delivering a viral Ted Talk on porn v real sex, she describes the result of this as “the most extraordinary global reaction”. Soon, she was flooded with letters from teenagers, parents and teachers expressing the need for platforms such as the one she’d built to offer proper sex education, rather than leaving young people to rely on mass-produced, extreme porn that centres the male gaze. “I remember one woman who told me that the first time she ever watched porn was when she was eight years old, and it was a ‘gangbang,’” says Gallop. “I also had one father get in touch to say that his 10-year-old had asked him ‘Why do men always have sex in masks?’, highlighting just how easy this extreme content is to access.”

Gallop’s anecdotes of chatting to parents and young people about their early experiences of being exposed to extreme porn are, frighteningly, becoming the norm. The normalisation of this can lead young people to actively seek out porn that includes acts of violence, with the Children’s Commissioner’s research reporting that 36% of young adults had sought out content involving at least one act of sexual violence. This is something that Emma Sayle, entrepreneur and founder of SafeDate, sees as a worrying trend. “The pressure young women feel to ‘enjoy’ or ‘expect’ aggressive sex can be traced largely to the widespread influence of pornography,” Sayle explains. “Boys are increasingly exposed to porn at an early age, with the average age of a child acquiring a smartphone in the UK now being just seven. From this young age, they are a few swipes away from accessing explicit, often aggressive content. With minimal regulation on social media and direct messaging, pornography is easily accessible, making it their first impression of what sex entails – what it looks like, how it sounds and how women are treated. Even mainstream porn often features women making exaggerated noises while being subjected to intense acts by men and entire categories are dedicated to rough sex and BDSM. For boys, this sets an expectation of what sex should be, while girls who watch it may feel compelled to conform to this behaviour or believe that this is how they should be treated during sex.”

Of course, there are women who actively take part in and get pleasure from BDSM-style sex and domination – and that’s absolutely healthy if they choose to engage in and want this. However, the issue arises when women are doing this because they feel like they have to, especially from a young age.

While access to thousands of videos depicting aggressive porn is obviously an issue, both Gallop and Sayle point to how a lack of sex education, both at home and in schools, can also contribute to the problem. While relationship and sex education was made compulsory for all secondary school students in 2020, the reality is that many students are still lacking a good quality sex education at school, with research finding that only 35% of young people would rank their sex education as ‘good’ or ‘very good’. “Sex education in schools remains outdated, focusing primarily on the mechanics of intercourse (often described as ‘penis in vagina’ with the endpoint being male ejaculation),” says Sayle. “Female pleasure is frequently overlooked, while discussions around sensuality, eroticism and the complexities of sexual enjoyment are rarely touched upon. Comprehensive sex education must be reimagined. It should include conversations about porn literacy, emphasising that porn is not reflective of real-life intimacy and pleasure. Young people should be taught about genuine sexual connection, including the nuances of female pleasure, respect, consent and sensuality. Without this, their primary education about sex will continue to be shaped by unrealistic and often harmful portrayals seen in pornography.”

Gallop also points to how other sources of sex education are often inaccessible to young people who need it. This is a particular problem on social media platforms, as many of them ban ‘sexual content’, which has inadvertently led to sex education content being banned, too. “I’ve built up a wonderful network of sex educator friends over 15 years and they face all the same challenges I do,” Gallop says. “Their content is being blocked on Facebook, Instagram and Tiktok, and their accounts are being suspended when they try to educate around sex. They’re banned from advertising and promoting themselves and that means that parents, teachers and young people who might be searching for sex education on those platforms cannot find it.”

The issue of young women feeling pressure to ‘enjoy’ aggressive sex is clearly a complex one, with ready access to extreme porn and lack of sex education clearly contributing massively. But does porn always have to be viewed as a negative influence? After all, given that a third of the UK population watches it regularly, it’s clear that people aren’t just going to give up seeking out content that arouses them. So, the key here could be watching videos on platforms that provide a clear ethos behind what they’re doing and centre around honesty, excellent treatment of actors and depictions of safe and genuinely pleasurable sex (you may wish to find production companies that are run by women and focus on the female gaze within their content, too).

There’s also the question of lesbian porn which, as of 2018, was the most searched for category among women on two major porn sites: PornHub and YouPorn. Experts have ideas on why this might be, mostly centring around the idea that lesbian porn often focuses on reaching orgasm through a “realistic way” (oral and clitoral stimulation, rather than just G-spot) and the fact that lesbian porn less often portrays extreme sex acts (although there are still plenty of videos showing this).

However, there’s another side to this, too: lesbian porn is still extremely popular amongst straight men and is often not made with queer women in mind. In a piece for NBC news, one expert said that lesbian videos on major porn sites “are very different in terms of content and aesthetic than the films that are made for and by queer women”. So, the question again arises over how much of this content is filmed to satisfy a male and heterosexual gaze, once again putting unrealistic standards on women.

Away from porn, educators also agree that we also need to feel empowered to have honest, healthy conversations around sex to redefine what it might look and feel like for different people. “Understanding and addressing this issue involves open conversations about healthy sexual relationships, consent, empathy and dismantling media narratives that portray violence as sexually gratifying or acceptable,” says Sayle. “Communities, educators, parents and media creators have crucial roles to play in shaping how young men learn about intimacy and respect.” Gallop agrees that media depictions of sex play a big role in shaping our outlook on sex, too. “Depictions of sex in popular culture generally are so unrealistic and are also setting up the wrong kind of expectations,” she says. “Even within love stories, when you get to the sex scene, there is zero foreplay and no communication whatsoever. You have instant penetration and instant simultaneous orgasms with no build-up to facilitate that. What we’re seeing is something that purports to be consenting but can actually model non-consensual sexual behaviour.”

Consent, after all, is the answer here. Everyone enjoys different types of sex and, especially for young women, choosing to have sex should allow them to explore what they enjoy. There will always be people who choose to engage in BDSM-style sex, and that’s great – as long as it’s consensual, enjoyable and doesn’t come from a place of feeling pressured. And in order to do that, young women have to feel empowered by those around them to have open conversations about sex. “As with all areas of life, meaningful change starts with education and open dialogue,” says Sayle. 

Images: Getty