Once upon a time, you couldn’t get enough of each other. You kissed with wild abandon, held hands without thinking, popped out to dinner or the cinema on a whim and stayed up all night. By choice. Talking about anything and everything on your mind.

Babies, however, change everything. And, while the joy of becoming parents is undeniable, it introduces a new set of challenges that can test the strength of a relationship. Date nights give way to late nights (and horribly early mornings) peppered with feeds, nappy changes and barely comprehensible grunts at one another due to broken sleep. You rarely, if ever, hold hands because those hands are usually holding a sleeping infant (or baby paraphernalia). And talking is restricted to… well, to conversations about logistics, necessities and whispered competitions about who’s had the least amount of sleep.

Everything works. Everything’s ticking away nicely enough. Your relationship, though? It’s shifted genres, essentially, and it’s easy to wonder if you’ll ever make it back to the romance section.

“Known in Imago relationship therapy as the ‘parallel partnership’, it occurs when couples function well together in managing finances, household tasks and child-rearing responsibilities, but lack intimacy,” explains Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, author of Small Steps To Great Parenting: An Essential Guide For Busy Families.

“In this phase, emotional and physical closeness may be absent, which is why some people refer to it as the ‘roommate phase’. It might look like couples choosing not to share their inner thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams or even engage in physical intimacy. Basically, a ‘parallel partnership’ is when the emotional and physical intimacy fades and the couple starts functioning more like cohabitants than romantic partners.”

Symptoms you’re in a parallel partnership include:

• Struggling to communicate
• Feeling less intimate
• Feeling like there is no affection or romance
• Feeling like your lives – aside from mutual obligations – are separate
• Feeling like the relationship isn’t a priority
• Feeling like you don’t have support

“The transition to parenthood can be challenging, and while most couples find a new balance within a year of having a baby, for some, the emotional and physical distance may deepen,” continues Dr Ben-Ari.

“When the focus and attention of at least one parent shifts primarily and totally to the child, the relationship can be neglected and tension may arise. However, when couples work together, everything tends to improve.”

If you feel that you and your partner are not as close as you used to be – whether that be emotionally or physically – the best thing to do, according to Dr Ben-Ari, is to start a conversation.

“Express that you miss the closeness you once shared and ask if they feel the same,” she says. “Together, you can brainstorm ways to create a more fulfilling relationship. Ignoring the growing distance will only make things worse.”

Obviously, it’s important not to put too much pressure on yourselves – especially when you’re getting to grips with your new roles as parents; babies are demanding of our time and energy, so treat yourselves with grace and compassion. When you’re ready, there are ways to inject new energy and novelty into your relationship again.

“Consider starting a project together or learning something new as a couple,” suggests Dr Ben-Ari. “Think creatively about how to reconnect. It’s essential to schedule time together without distractions, focusing on fun, pleasure and closeness.”

If you’re in need of inspiration, you could try…

• Taking a class together
• Going for a walk together after dinner (perhaps grabbing a to-go dessert along the way)
• Playing a boardgame together instead of watching TV
• Kissing each other good morning and goodnight
• Giving each other a shoulder massage
• Heading to bed at the same time each night
• Taking care to express your love and appreciation for each other – even for the little things

Whatever you do, take care to surprise each other and break up your routines with new ideas, as this will a) keep you from growing complacent, and b) ensure you never stop looking at each other with fresh eyes.

Of course, it’s just as important to treat the cause as well as the symptoms when it comes to a parallel partnership, so it might be a good idea to sit down with a couples therapist – if only to learn conflict management skills. After all, working with an impartial expert is one of the easiest ways to identify any conflicts, frustrations or stresses that keep repeating themselves – as well as learn how to break the cycle.

Remember, children can be all-encompassing, but there are ways to make time for one another, even if it’s just going screen-free for 15 minutes and spending that time talking and reconnecting. 

Good luck!

You can find further advice from Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari via her website www.kalanitbenari.com – or her parenting platform Get The Village. 

For couples who specifically want to deepen their connection, she also offers an eight-week online course called Awakening Love, which is designed to transform relationships and help couples rediscover the bond they once had.

Images: Getty