“At its core, self-sabotage is very often driven by fear and a lack of self-worth,” explains Santa-Maria. “Sometimes, it’s rooted in deep-seated beliefs that we don’t deserve happiness or success, leading us to act in ways that align with these negative self-perceptions.”

It’s easy to see how this might affect our careers – missing deadlines, causing conflicts with colleagues and so on – but it gets murkier with personal relationships, mainly because it can be harder to identify this kind of behaviour, which, depending on how long you’ve been self-sabotaging for, you might have normalised. “It can manifest in escalating conflicts and not taking responsibility for your actions,” says Kathryn Smith, emotional wellbeing counsellor at Nuffield Health. “Most people self-sabotage in relationships to protect themselves from future hurt, even though it can lead to the same outcome. It can manifest as pushing people away or finding reasons to get out of the relationship.”

It can be common for people in their 20s, too, who might not have yet had the therapy they need to break these patterns. “It’s a time of immense transition and self-discovery,” says Santa-Maria. “Many of us are just beginning to understand the importance of boundaries – both in our personal and professional lives – but haven’t yet mastered how to establish and maintain them.”

It’s no secret that loneliness and poor mental health are rife across the board, particularly among younger people. According to The Prince’s Trust Youth Index, an annual research report based on a YouGov survey of 2,239 16-–25-year-olds across the UK, more than one-third (36%) of young people always or often feel lonely, while 40% have experienced a mental health problem and one in five (21%) say their mental health has worsened in the past year.

All this makes a lot of sense when I look back on my 20s, which, to be clear, I’ve only just left, having turned 30 in May. But interestingly, there was a sea change in the ways I navigated my relationships as I approached this milestone birthday. It was that argument with my friend that forced me to reflect on my relationships with other close friends and realise I’d had disagreements with almost all of them over the last year. I needed to do some serious rethinking.

“I spent my 20s sabotaging love and friendship. Here’s how I finally broke free at 30”