If you’re in a long-term relationship – or you’ve previously been in one – you might relate to TikTok’s marriage language trend. 

The trend sees couples revealing the weird, made-up words they use when they’re alone. After all, who among us hasn’t developed an incomprehensible secret language with a partner or even an old friend? You know, a language full of pretend words and baby talk that inspires weird side eyes from anyone who happens to overhear it?

If TikTok is anything to go by, it seems as though many, many couples have their own marriage language. In fact, the #MarriageLanguage hashtag has over 20 million views on the platform.

We spoke to psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur about the trend and what your marriage language might mean for your relationship. Hint: usually, it’s a pretty good thing.

What is the marriage language trend?

The marriage language trend sees couples quizzing each other on their unique relationship languages. Typically, videos feature one person showing the other various pictures of things they have special terms for. For instance, in one video, a woman shows her partner an image of hummus, which, he reveals, they call “vegetable butter”, and a raccoon, which they call a “ratune”. 

Marriage language videos on TikTok often feature a fair amount of baby talk and nonsensical, made-up terms. Ultimately, the videos offer a glimpse into the inner workings of a relationship in all of its goofiness.

Why do we develop a secret language with people we’re close to?

While watching other people reveal their weird nicknames for hummus and raccoons may seem, well… a bit odd from an outsider’s perspective, according to Kaur, the formation of a secret language in a relationship is perfectly normal. 

“I think it’s just a really natural thing,” she says. “You have it with friends as well, not just with couples. When you spend that much time with another person, you get inside jokes and inside references as a result of shared experiences with each other.”

Is having a marriage language a sign of a healthy relationship?

If you and your partner share your own little language, it’s probably a good thing. 

“It’s a sign of a mutual understanding with each other,” says Kaur. “And it’s also a sign of being able to communicate to each other not just verbally but also non-verbally because sometimes your language might even be a shared look.” 

Nurturing a shared language can even strengthen your bond. 

“It’s a way of deepening a connection that a couple has with each other,” she says. “For some people, it’s about terms of endearment as well, whether it’s certain words that they use either with each other or references to certain situations, which then also encourages that endearment within them as well.”

When does a marriage language become toxic?

Although a marriage language may be a sign of a healthy relationship, it’s not always completely healthy. 

“I think when it’s being not inclusive to other people or when it’s being offensive to other people, [it becomes toxic],” Kaur says. “Or when it’s isolating other people – we’ve all been in that situation when we’re in a group and then there’s some couple just doing their thing in the corner. I just think that it’s really disrespectful.” 

In other words, don’t be that couple.

“What you do in your own home in your own space within your own relationship, I think is great is that sign of a healthy relationship because you obviously have that deep connection,” she says. “But I think when you’re taking it outside of the home, and it’s making other people feel excluded and isolated, that’s when you’re taking it a little bit too far.”

Let’s face it, while a marriage language may be cute to people in the relationship, no one else really wants to hear it.

Images: Getty