Falling in love can often feel like falling into obsession. You may find yourself daydreaming about the object of your affection every waking moment. You might notice yourself absent-mindedly wondering what they’re up to throughout the day. You might even start desperately awaiting messages from them. But that’s just the nature of falling in love, right? 

This kind of all-encompassing obsession is known as ‘limerence’, and as it turns out, it’s not quite the same as love, even though it might feel a lot like it.

Although the term dates back to a study from the early 2000s, it remains relevant. In fact, it has recently been making the rounds on TikTok.

Margaret Lorenz, a New York-based relationship expert, took to TikTok to explain how the phenomenon is different to real love. “This feeling lasts longer and carries more emotional weight than a crush,” she explains. “It can almost feel like love, but it’s not.” 

She adds that being in a state of limerence can be “debilitating” if it isn’t dealt with, leading to obsessive thinking about “what could be”. 

Is Lorenz right? Is limerence really dangerous? And how can we tell if we’re in love or merely in limerence?

What is limerence?

The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who first came up with the idea and described it in her book Love And Limerence.

“The word describes a powerful and strong romantic feeling towards another individual and is often characterised by intense and obsessive thoughts as well as a search for reciprocation,” Dr Emily May, a relationship therapist, tells Stylist. 

After interviewing 500 people and finding they all experienced this obsessive form of love Tennov found a number of common symptoms: intrusive thinking, an aching in the heart, an acute sensitivity to any act or thought that can be interpreted favourably, fear of rejection and unsettling shyness in their presence, intensification through adversity and a disregard for all other concerns. She also noticed “a remarkable ability to emphasise what is truly admirable and avoid dwelling on the negative”. In other words, you are rendered spellbound by the other person – often, regardless of what they may do (or what red flags they may be waving).

Limerence goes beyond a crush, but it isn’t the same thing as love. “Contrary to crushes, lust and sexual attraction, limerence is much more complex and one person has a deep emotional attachment to the other and feels distress and euphoria whether this is reciprocated. More than just an emotional state, limerence can become a powerful psychological condition.”

Is limerence really dangerous?

If your obsession becomes all-consuming and even debilitating, then yes, it could be considered dangerous.

“There is the potential that it could distort an individual’s perception of love and relationships, leading to unhealthy behaviours,” warns May. “For example, when someone is in a state of limerence, their wellbeing and mental state are often highly dependent on the person or object at the centre of their attention, bordering on obsession, and this can result in volatile emotional experiences.”

May also explains that obsessive thinking can make day-to-day life more challenging. “It can lead to a neglect of other responsibilities and areas of life,” she says. “This is because it’s not uncommon for someone to prioritise their feelings towards the other person over other aspects of their life.”

Is it love or limerence?

Many people confuse feelings of limerence with falling in love. After all, it’s normal to think about the person you love… a lot. However, once those thoughts become obsessive, you might start idealising the other person and, in turn, not love them for who they are, but rather for your idea of who they are.

“In cases of limerence, individuals idealise the other person, overlooking their flaws and exaggerating their value,” says Dr Melissa Cook, a sex therapist and relationship expert. “There is also an intense emotional dependence related to the other person’s reactions. For example, when interactions are positive, the individual likely feels euphoric – but distressed when they are not. These are all signs of limerence, rather than love, lust or attraction.”

If you find yourself constantly daydreaming fictional scenarios with the other person or you feel euphoric when you receive a text from them, it may be time to take a step back.

What should you do if you think you’re in a state of limerence?

The first step is to notice when you drift into obsessive thinking and try to gentry ease your mind elsewhere. 

You may also want to consider seeking professional help. “A therapist can help you to take a step back and understand your feelings and behaviours and help you to come up with healthier alternatives,” says Cook. 

A therapist can help you figure out why you fall into patterns of limerence rather than forming healthier crushes. “Together, you’ll work on the likes of emotional needs, self-esteem and confidence and attachment to try to establish boundaries and strategies for building and maintaining healthy relationships,” she says. “You may be required to limit interactions and contact with the other person in order to work on your emotional attachment. Engaging in activities away from this person and building relationships with other people can all help.”

Images: Getty