“Never go to bed on an argument.” “Never go to bed angry.” This – alongside more variations on a similar theme – is the most common piece of advice I’ve been given ahead of my wedding.

After reading the fifth iteration of this on the ‘advice to the bride’ cards my friends and family had sweetly filled out at my hen weekend, I couldn’t help but laugh. It got me thinking: why has this become the default piece of relationship advice? And, is it really that bad to go to bed on an argument?

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years, so we’ve had our fair share of tiffs. While the idea of going to bed angry at each other isn’t appealing, I know from experience that you don’t always get to choose when a spat begins to brew. If something irks one of us at 10pm, is it really that important to get it all hashed out before our heads hit the pillow, just for the sake of abiding by this sacred piece of wisdom?

“We know that unresolved conflict can fester and emotional distance can grow overnight,” says psychotherapist Charlotte Fox-Weber. “The idea of this advice is that addressing issues before sleep prevents resentment from taking root.”

However, Fox-Weber agrees the reality is more nuanced than this and sometimes sleep is exactly what’s needed for clarity. “Sometimes, having a deadline, like bedtime, helps aid mediation, but this won’t work if either or both people engaged in the conflict want to fight and there’s an emphatic wish to keep arguing for the sake of it.”

If you can avoid carrying unresolved tension into the next day, this is a more desirable outcome. “Wanting to make up before the day is over can reduce harm when the conflict is manageable, but unfortunately, not all issues can be so tidily sorted out,” says Fox-Weber. In fact, she says that rushing to resolve a dispute just for the sake of ‘not going to bed angry’ can lead to shallow compromises rather than real understanding.

“If emotions are running too high for a productive conversation, forcing a resolution can backfire,” says Fox-Weber. “Sometimes, taking space and getting rest can allow for a more thoughtful, less reactive discussion the next day.”

There are some tell-tale ways to spot if an argument might benefit from some overnight rumination, such as when exhaustion is clouding judgment, when emotions become too heightened for a fair conversation or when you’re going in circles, simply repeating the same points without progress. “I also feel strongly that if either or both people aren’t sober, it’s best to pause and resume conversation when you’re both clear-headed,” adds Fox-Weber.

But what happens when we go to sleep with unresolved conflict in the air?

We know that when we sleep, the brain uses this time to organise and process all the information it has taken in during the day. “Scientists have shown that we consolidate memories as we sleep,” explains neuroscientist Amy Arnsten. This is how we learn from our experiences.

Additionally, the prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain that’s responsible for decision-making, reasoning, maintaining social appropriateness and other complex cognitive behaviours – is impaired by fatigue. “Sleep helps the prefrontal cortex to be in a more optimal state, and that gives us better judgment and perspective,” says Arnsten. This is why you’re more likely to think the worst of a situation late at night and why you’ll often feel like you can see things more clearly in the morning after a good night’s sleep. 

We’ve all experienced those arguments that are so long and meandering that we forget what sparked the row to begin with. In instances like this, sleep can help to reset your perspective, remind you of the issue at hand and help you to understand what’s really important to you. “When an argument is distorting clarity, a bit of space can help to recalibrate blurred perspectives,” says Fox-Weber.

Of course, the downside of letting unresolved anger linger is that, if ignored for too long, small issues can turn into deep-seated resentment. This is why, if you do find yourself agreeing to sleep on an argument, make sure it’s clear to both of you that you intend to revisit it the following day. “There’s something hopeful about setting the intention for peace and resolution and, sometimes, a time-out with an agreed plan to regroup is the best way forward,” says Fox-Weber.

But remember, if by morning the stormy clouds have lifted, it’s important not to mistake this for a resolution and avoid revisiting the conflict. Instead, Fox-Weber suggests restarting the conversation by acknowledging the break and expressing your desire to resolve the matter.

“Start with a calmer mindset and instead of jumping back into defensiveness, lead with curiosity: ‘I’ve had time to think – can we talk about this again with a fresh perspective?’ is a good way to reopen the discussion.”

And, as with all successful conflict resolution, keep the focus on understanding instead of winning.

Images: Adobe