Check-in with yourself

If we’re having issues trusting people, it can be useful to do a bit of self-reflection – or “self-monitoring”, as Rosindell calls it – to understand why this might be.

At the beginning of a relationship, Rosindell says it’s useful to ask ourselves whether we’re being authentic with a new partner. “There can often be misalignment at the beginning of a relationship between how we’re feeling and what we’re actually saying,” says Rosindell. “ When we enter a relationship it’s important to understand what our expectations are and whether that person can meet them.”

She uses online dating profiles as an example. “If someone says on their profile that they’re happy to date anybody, but deep down they want to start a family, pretending that it isn’t important to them will ultimately set them up for disappointment,” says Rosindell. “If you’re not honest with yourself about the things you want in a relationship then your expectations will never be met, and trust will never be built because you weren’t acting with authenticity.”

During a relationship, it’s worth practising regular self-reflection to ask yourself if you are being authentic and saying what you actually feel to your partner. “It’s about taking responsibility for your own position in the relationship and working out whether you feel able to be honest,” says Rosindell. “If there’s a misalignment between what you’re saying and how you’re feeling, trust will be harder.”

Set boundaries

For Rosindell, a truly trusting relationship is one with boundaries. For example, if your partner really enjoys an activity that you hate, you should feel comfortable saying you don’t want to join in with it while still accepting them for who they are. “Being able to assert boundaries without any issues and being able to accept the other person’s boundaries too is a true marker of trust,” says Rosindell.

If trust breaks down in a relationship there can be a desperate desire to build it back, which may make us more prone to stop respecting our boundaries, says Rosindell. If we’re building trust back up again it’s important to still feel seen as individuals. To do this, the boundaries in a relationship may need to become much smaller to help us understand how responsive the other person is to our needs.

Boundaries are important for helping us to feel respected. A trusting relationship should involve two separate people who feel accepted and cherished. “Setting boundaries and knowing our partner respects them is a way to feel valued in a partnership,” says Rosindell. “It allows people to be individuals they are understood by the other person. It’s at the core of a trusting relationship.”

4 ways to build trust in a relationship (even when it’s broken), according to a therapist