Like most twenty-somethings, I consider my friendships to be the great joys of my life. Having grown out of the desire for the ride-or-die girl gang glamourised by Sex And The City, I cherish deeply the individuals I’ve met at every stage of my life: beloved childhood pals, university soulmates, work besties. Every single one uplifts, fulfills and supports me in a different and equally important way, yet I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I should know more people. Call it a hangover from the popularity-obsessed secondary school days, but I can never fully quiet the voice in my head that tells me I need more friends.

According to a 2019 study that found almost 72% of Brits have five or fewer good friends, when it comes to good, close friendships, the magic number is three. Clearly, it’s a matter of quality over quantity, but how do you know when a friend is ‘true’ – and how long does cementing that relationship take?

In 2018, a study by Professor Jeffrey Hall suggested that it takes the average adult roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend. For more advanced levels of friendship, it can take more than 200 hours before you can consider someone “close”.

Interestingly, Hall’s research found that while time spent together enjoying shared activities is crucial to this, hours spent working together didn’t count as much. In general, spending more time just talking didn’t make the friends feel closer, but those researched did tend to be chummier when they engaged in certain types of talking; catching up about their lives, talking playfully, having serious conversations and showing love, attention, and affection. By contrast, people who engaged in small talk about current events, pets, sports, movies, or music actually tended to become more distant over time.

Of course, time isn’t the only thing that forges a friendship. “A lasting friendship needs to be built on self-awareness, understanding and compassion,” explains life coach Puja McClymont. “This helps you to navigate any conflicts better and any some expectations about what you may need from each other. That way you know each other’s limits and can respect any friendship ‘rules’ you may have made.”

McClymont recognises that while the exciting buzz of any new relationship can feel all-consuming in the beginning, meaningful bonds can start to bloom from around three to six months, but often take a year to become fully fledged.

“This is because a lasting friendship also needs space for growth and change,” she shares. “As the years pass and there are changes in each person’s life, the friendship is also likely to change. Knowing this from the outset or even during the relationship will help to navigate those changes better and help you create a stronger bond that lasts longer.”

Maintenance is also key. Modern life can be full of distractions and it’s not uncommon for even the best of friendships to fizzle out. McClymont agrees that while you should be “open to the flow of life,” effort also goes a long way.

“Check-in with each other every few years to see if each of you is getting what you need from the relationship,” she advises. “Be open with each other when you know you’ve changed. The friendship may evolve over time and that’s ok, but only if you both accept that.”

Images: Getty