While it’s unknown when the phrase came into being, the feeling of disappointment over a child’s gender has been around for centuries. Aristocrats and royalty long required wives to birth sons to carry on their lineage through male-preferred primogeniture – ‘an heir and a spare’, at least. This has changed relatively recently to include women, but the concept inspired the title of Prince Harry’s 2023 autobiography, Spare.

Although there are numerous articles, blogs and forums discussing the notion of gender disappointment, there is comparatively little in the way of formal evidence-based literature on the subject. In 2023, Cambridge University Press published a study to determine if it’s a mental health or socio-cultural issue that causes this extreme feeling. The study defines gender disappointment as “subjective feelings of sadness when discovering that the gender of a child is the opposite of what the parents had hoped or expected”. The study used the example of wanting a boy, which has been noted in many cultures, particularly in South and East Asian communities, as an example of the expectations parents place on themselves.

The study’s authors said that the trend for the idealisation of gender has grown in Western culture, particularly in the wake of social media. They noted: “We have seen the rise in popularity of ‘pregnancy announcements’ made on online platforms as well as ‘gender reveal’ parties, with videos often going viral. The societal shift may relate to the emergence of the idealisation of motherhood in a culture preoccupied with parenting perfectionism.

“Mothering through the (albeit virtual) gaze of others can be a double-edged sword. For many, it provides a sense of community and affirmation of a new identity (during what can be a happy but also challenging transition, commonly referred to as matrescence). It can, however, spark insecurities, particularly for those with pre-existing mental disorders and/or those who struggle with comparison and may feel unsure that they are, as British paediatrician Donald Winnicott famously described it, a ‘good enough mother’, let alone a perfect one.”

This feels different to what Charlotte experienced when giving birth to Joe and even now in her desire to have a girl. Of course, Charlotte was delighted to have him, and he is a very happy and loved little boy. I believe she simply sees herself with a little girl at some point in her life and has always imagined herself being a mother to a daughter. Yet, I do believe that she may feel different if she actively tries to time the moment of conception to increase her chances of having a girl. I see her desire for a daughter growing.

“I was disappointed by my baby’s gender. Does that make me a bad parent?”