What is it that you and your partner bicker about the most? Do you squabble over whose turn it is to cook or how much time you get to spend together after a busy week? 

For many people, the cause of relationship tension can be a reliance on ‘frozen images’ – assumptions that have developed over time and lock your partner into a negative position in your brain. They can sound like: “You never ask how my day is”, “You always criticise me” or “You always put other people first”. And often, they only get more and more fixed the longer they’re in place.

So while it may seem harmless to say our partner ‘always’ acts in a certain way or ‘never’ does x, y or z, when we finish the sentence with some kind of explicit or implicit criticism, it creates a narrative that may not be 100% true.

“Having a frozen image of your partner can be damaging to your relationship for several reasons. Assuming that they ‘always’ or ‘never’ behave in a certain way can reinforce that view in your mind, and you can start to see other interactions through this lens,” explains Jessica Alderson, a relationship expert and co-founder of dating app So Syncd. “It removes the ability to see multiple perspectives.”

Alderson suggests that when you openly voice frozen image judgments about your partner, it can lead to them feeling attacked. “Words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ can feel like accusations, and people can easily become defensive, which can escalate conflicts or lead to them withdrawing from the relationship because they feel hurt that you see them in such a negative light,” she adds.

Having a frozen image of your partner can also limit curiosity and growth in the relationship because when you have a fixed idea of who your partner is, you may stop asking questions or seeking to understand them better.

“One of the best ways to combat this is to be mindful of your language,” Alderson advises. Not only should you try to avoid using absolute terms like ‘always’ and ‘never’ when talking about your partner, but it’s also equally important to practise actively listening and asking questions to better understand their perspective.

“Try to figure out why they may have acted a certain way rather than simply labelling them as controlling or irresponsible,” she adds. “You can still let them know how their actions made you feel, but try to approach it from a perspective of understanding rather than accusation.”

Because checking in with yourself and your own assumptions about your partner is the best way to build a better, stronger relationship. 

Images: Getty/Adobe