We’re told time and time again: a good, healthy relationship takes a lot of work. So we do it. We find someone we care about and agree to go through life together, enjoying the high moments but also weathering the storms. We shape one another, become more understanding and learn to adapt our behaviour in order to be a better partner. But more than anything, we invest in our relationships – time, energy, money and expectations – so it can be really difficult to admit to ourselves that things are not working and it’s time to let go.

After going through a particularly difficult separation, a friend of mine recently told me: “I don’t think I have another talking stage in me.” To her, the prospect of once again sitting through awkward first dates, asking questions about how many siblings someone has or what they do for work, was almost as upsetting as her own relationship ending. Doing the work it would take to get to know someone on that deep level again was a thought she could hardly stand. After all, according to research, the average time for men to fall in love is 88 days, while those same feelings of affection take 134 days for women.

If FOMO is the fear of missing out, this situation feels very much like FOSO: the fear of starting over. 

Feeling overwhelmed by FOSO makes sense. After spending years of your life with a person, the thought of having to go back to square one can be intimidating to say the least. “Beginning any new relationship can be daunting for a lot of people, as opening yourself up to a new person requires vulnerability,” explains sex and relationship expert Gillian Myhill. “We expose ourselves when we let our emotional guards down and this is a tricky thing for everyone.”

When we leave a relationship, we aren’t just leaving a partner, we are leaving a future that we had planned with them and a life that we have built. It’s sunk cost fallacy in action – the phenomenon where a person is reluctant to abandon a course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it’s clear that giving up would be more beneficial. It’s something Ellie Baker, a couples coach and founder of Coupld, says she has seen time and time again in her clients. “Things may have reached a stalemate but the couple don’t want to start out again, so they’re just carrying on as ‘normal’ and living in an unsatisfied way,” she tells me. “Neither of them is ready to throw in the towel, but they’re also not doing anything about the relationship problems that could be addressed.”

While getting over FOSO is all about shifting your mindset and rejecting the idea that a breakup is a personal failure, Baker also suggests that, depending on how deep-set an issue is, you may not even have to throw in the towel at all.

“We tend to expect a lot of our relationships, which can be a good thing, but often that comes with a lot of contradictions,” she says. “We want someone to be a rock, something reliable and stable, but at the same time be a source of excitement, spontaneity and fun.” For Baker, there’s a lot of value in having a growth mindset when it comes to romance. “Couples often underestimate just how much can be worked on, from different styles of communication, approaches to life and ways in which you navigate emotional experiences. They’re quick to label these patterns as ‘incompatibilities’, but they can actually be undone if both parties are willing to make the effort.”

Above all, feeling safe, secure and respected is what we all deserve in a relationship, and any partnership that falls outside of that is worth reconsidering. “Relationships can become our comfort zone, especially long-term ones, and it can be scary and difficult to leave, even if we know it’s the best thing to do,” agrees Mayhill. 

“So many people are happy to maintain the status quo living in unfulfilled, unhappy and sometimes broken relationships, especially when children or finances are involved. But often, it’s better to be happy alone than unhappy together.”

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