It’s not nice to think about, but there comes a point in every person’s life where they outgrow someone they were previously close with. It often happens slowly: different life directions mean you stop hanging out as much, then they’re no longer the first person you go to with news, and before you know it your contact grows stilted, revolving primarily around birthdays or Christmas.

As the person being ‘left behind’, it can feel deeply personal, even when it’s not. And for the person doing the growing, the feelings of guilt can be overwhelming to say the least. 

“All friendships, regardless of how long they enter our lives for, serve a purpose,” says Mariel Witmond, a life coach and founder of Mindful Sonder. “So when friendships do end, it’s not uncommon for the break-up to feel sad, painful and even confusing – mostly because we assume it shouldn’t hurt as much as a romantic break-up, but it does. There’s a grief process we often have to go through to mourn and move on.” 

But that doesn’t mean it isn’t a tough pill to swallow.

Why do we outgrow certain friendships?

As we age, our close friendships are going to change, much like we do – and that is perfectly OK. “Sometimes that means leaving things that no longer serve us or hold us back behind,” says Witmond. “Maybe our lifestyle has changed or we are focused on personal growth when they might not be. Or our paths have diverged due to work or family or a new romantic relationship.”

However, often our relationships merely outgrow the period they were formed in: childhood friends may no longer fit into or have anything in common, making it hard to relate to one another. And while outgrowing a friendship is not an inherently negative experience, it often feels like it, leading us to mourn or feel grief for what we’ve left behind.

 “Much like with romantic relationships, we often attach illusions to our friendships, and when they end, it’s the bursting of the illusion and the disillusionment of the ego that can hurt the most,” Witmond explains. “We might attach some of our worth to that relationship and when it ends – depending on how it ends – it can feel like a loss of self to a degree. It’s easy to assume something has ended because something is wrong with us.”

As Witmond suggests, when most friendships end, there’s ultimately no one to blame – people just grow in different directions. That being said, if you keep losing friends for the same reason, then you might want to consider the role you are playing in the relationship and what you might need to work on to be a better friend. 

How to tell if you’ve outgrown a friendship

While it may take some deep reflection to catch the signs at first – they’re often subtle – you will soon know when a friendship is no longer serving its purpose. According to Witmond, signs include feeling a sense of obligation due to the longevity of a friendship, dreading seeing someone or feeling unable to be yourself around them anymore.

“When we work on ourselves and discover the importance of authenticity and self-love, it becomes imperative for us to feel comfortable and be who we are around those closest to us or the relationship becomes draining,” she expresses. “The moment you dread engaging with someone is a sign that you are forcing something that isn’t meant to be.”

If you keep arguing, can’t see eye to eye or boundaries keep getting crossed, these are also steadfast signs that the friendship may be deteriorating. 

Can you ever stop a friendship from fizzling out?

As painful as it may be to distance yourself from someone you once cherished, holding on usually becomes harder than letting go. If you don’t feel good when you’re together (whether it’s about yourself, your friendship or your growth), then it’s likely time for things to come to a close. However, it doesn’t mean that you have to say goodbye forever.

“The trouble is that friendships receive less cultural prompts for care and nurture than other relationships do, so friendships are often the first thing that falls to the wayside when life gets in the way,” Witmond shares. Therefore, if you would like to stop a friendship from being outgrown, you need to start making a concerted effort to consciously cultivate the bond you have.

According to Witmond, you can start by telling your friend how you are feeling and that you would like to work on mending the relationship – as is the case in all relationships, communication is key. “Instead of expectations, focus on making agreements: express your boundaries and the kind of support you are looking for in a friend, and see if your friend is willing to meet you where you are at,” she explains. “If you have lost touch, you can make the effort to see and speak with your friend more often. It is important that both sides are willing to put in the time and effort.” 

As a final note, she insists: “No matter what, it is important that we don’t compromise who we are for the sake of others. This can be hard as we want to please, to be liked, to be accepted. But true belonging is only achievable when we are true to ourselves – and sometimes this requires us to take a closer look at our friends.”

Images: Getty