It is a fact universally acknowledged that it gets harder and harder to keep friendships thriving as we grow older. Time becomes more precious, we don’t have as many built-in opportunities to hang out as we once did and we constantly have to consciously opt-in to our relationships. All of which is hard enough, until you factor in those all-encompassing ‘vampire problems’, too.

No, we’re not talking literal vampires – unless, of course, you’re Buffy Summers trying to convince your pals that your latest fanged beau isn’t yet another manifestation of your ingrained self-loathing. Rather, vampire problems refers to those “big, personal, transitional life choices we all face that can feel problematic because we cannot make fully informed choices”, explains female empowerment coach Grace McMahon. “The ones where we tend to not know the opposing outcome to what we currently have or the future outcome.”

Confused? Well, as McMahon points out: “When we have lived experience of situations or circumstances, making choices feels a lot easier, but we all have to make decisions that we don’t have lived experiences for at some point in life.

“These choices pose an unknown territory, which means we cannot compare outcomes of staying where we are or making the change, just as we wouldn’t know what it would be like to become a vampire until we do so – the hypothetical situation posed by philosopher LA Paul.”

Essentially, you don’t know what it would be like to be a vampire without becoming a vampire. When we have a decision to make with no real clue of the outcome of either option, that’s a vampire problem. And while we face these problems throughout our lives, they’re more likely to hit us during our 20s and 30s,  which means that we can find ourselves feeling increasingly alienated from our friends.

Why? Well, because some examples of vampire problems, according to McMahon, include “deciding whether to get married, if the person you’re with is The One, whether or not to have children, whether to buy a house (and where), whether you should change careers, take that new job offer or quit your current job because you just can’t stand it”.

Other examples, McMahon adds, include: “Whether to end a relationship that is no longer serving you or whether to get into a new relationship after being single for some time (or no time at all). It might be deciding whether to retire later on in life or to downsize once your children have left home.”

It’s the big choices, basically – the transitional moments that have the potential to shift your life on its axis and send it spinning in an entirely new direction. A direction that can send us rocketing along a different path to that of our friends, making it harder to view things from their perspective (and vice versa).

“It’s not that we can’t imagine what it might be like or see others’ experiences and create our own versions of these for ourselves,” says McMahon. “Rather, it’s that imagining isn’t enough to fully understand what it is really like and simply hearing or seeing the experience of others does not give us the full picture either.”

The most obvious example of this is the gap that can sometimes be created between those friends who have children and those who have not. Those that do might feel alienated from their friends who haven’t yet (or don’t plan to ever) because they do not truly understand the experience of parenthood, says McMahon. Those that don’t have children, meanwhile, might feel that their friends-with-kids no longer understand or relate to their problems and tribulations. Or, in some cases, show them the respect they deserve.

“It sometimes feels as if my friends with kids will never get how lonely I am,” says Megan*. “Or that I’m every bit as tired as they are, even if I don’t have a child to pin it on.”

It’s a tricky period in any friendship – and, yes, big life transitions can see us lose close friends: quite honestly, this writer has seen her friendship group shift and change far more dramatically in her 30s than in any other decade of her life so far – and usually as the result of a major decision, be it moving out of the city, getting married, changing careers or having kids. However, McMahon says that we don’t have to lose the people we’re closest to and that there are ways to bridge the gap between ourselves and those friends who have crossed over to the vampiric realm – and vice versa.

“The key is to remain open, curious and listen,” says McMahon. “We don’t need to live the same lives to connect with other people or build strong bonds with others. If you’re talking with someone who has decided to change their career after a long stint in something, judging and questioning their choices will ultimately push them away, but listening to their experiences, being curious about their new experiences and staying open to being different or having different opinions now will keep that connection intact.”

The most important thing to remember, of course, is that there is no one true path – just as every person is different, so too are the decisions we must make as individuals. “There’s unlikely to be a clear-cut path or decision with all these kinds of problems, so it’s important to listen to your gut, understand your values and wants in life and shift your perspective to view mistakes or failures as opportunities,” says McMahon, who advises us to seek information from multiple sources, those who have lived experiences, those who haven’t and always take this away to form your own opinions and ideas. 

“It’s important to take the time to get to know yourself and really understand who you are and what your life goals are,” she adds. “Work on your mindset to help you take leaps of faith, try and fail successfully and feel confident in your own life choices even when they go against the norm.”

To vampire or not to vampire, then? We will never know if we have made the right choice until we take that leap of faith (a task made infinitely easier with bat wings, obviously). And, yes, it may mean that we lose a friend or two along the way. On the bright side, though, ‘crossing over’ doesn’t mean we’re doomed to face a lonely existence. In fact, it may provide us with more opportunities to forge connections and make new friends than ever before.

And if we decide that we’re not ready for a vampiric transformation? Well, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from What We Do In The Shadows, it’s this: vampires and non-vampires can still find a way to be friends – just make like Guillermo and Nandor: keep empathising and, above all else, stay curious about one another. Asking questions, rather than making presumptions, can go a long way… although if you find your BFF looking undead-levels of pale and feasting off the blood of virgins, it’s almost definitely time to call it quits. Almost.

Images: Getty