Be an active listener

We all know that having conversations is one of the best ways to build bonds. After all, hearing what people have to say is how we get to know them more deeply. But hearing and listening are very different things. A lot of the time, our conversations are centred around ‘listening to respond’, explains Christine Schneider, a clinical psychologist at the Cambridge Therapy Centre. This is where our thoughts are caught up in our reactions and responses during a conversation, meaning we don’t fully take in what the other person is saying.

Scientific research has found that practising ‘active listening’ with our friends triggers feel-good emotions, activates our inner reward system and makes us think back on interactions more positively. “Active listening is a powerful way to strengthen bonds,” says Schneider. “Research shows that being fully present in conversations, by maintaining good eye contact, nodding appropriately and reflecting back on what you’ve heard help friends feel valued and understood.” An easy way to do this is to avoid multitasking or planning your response to someone’s words while they’re speaking. Instead, focus entirely on their words and emotions.

Reach out to old friends

Reconnecting with old friends can be tricky. A new study by psychologists from Simon Fraser University and the University of Sussex found that we can be hesitant to re-establish connections that have faded. Over 90% of the people surveyed said they had a particular friend whom they had lost touch with and would like to see again, but when given time to draft a message to them, only a third of them sent it.

However, research from the field of relational maintenance has found that even brief efforts to reconnect with people are appreciated and can bring dormant friendships back to life. “Inviting old friends to events, even if they can’t come, helps keep a relationship warm and shows you care,” says Tina Wilson, a relationship and friendship expert. “Research shows that making people feel valued and included in social circles is important. We tend to put it off because it has been too long, but you are just delaying it further by procrastinating. Remember, they will likely be thinking the exact same thing as you. So, don’t overthink it – a simple message asking how they’ve been can spark that connection again.”

For anyone who needs extra impetus to reach out, the Simon Fraser University and the University of Sussex study found that people who ‘warmed up’ by writing messages to current friends were more likely to get in touch with an old one. The study divided the participants into two groups. One group spent three minutes writing messages to current friends and another group spent three minutes browsing social media. Both groups were then asked to draft and send a message to an old friend. Over half of the first group sent the message, and only 31% in the second group. “Reaching out to current friends initially can decrease our fear of rejection,” says Wilson. “It also reduces the psychological distance we may feel towards old connections.” Definitely worth noting.

The science-based hacks that will make you become a better friend