While some of us find great comfort and support in sharing the details of our personal lives with our nearest and dearest (and even those less near and dear), others prefer to hold certain parts of their lives back from others.

There’s no right or wrong approach, and often your willingness to share will largely depend on who you’re with and the situation you’re in (certain topics might feel more suited to the pub than the office kitchen, for example), but being an oversharer or an undersharer can affect your friendships – and not always in the ways you might think.

“The tendency to share or withhold personal information is influenced by multiple factors, including attachment style, cultural context and sometimes general past experiences,” explains Ragini Jha, a BACP counsellor. “It can certainly be a confidence issue, but not in the way we might think. Less confidence can actually lead to more sharing, sometimes as a way to strengthen connections as fast as possible or as a form of seeking reassurance.”

Jha explains that while oversharers might receive more support from others, appear more approachable and possibly have the power to help others share more too, oversharing can make other people feel uncomfortable and it can even be a sign of struggling with boundaries (both with others and themselves).

Meanwhile, undersharers may have better control over their personal information and a stronger ability to set boundaries, says Jha. However, she also says they could be missing out on deeper connections and might lack the ability to ask for help when emotional support is needed.

Jha has seen this dynamic in her own clinic. “Oversharers crave comfort and want to feel like their vulnerability is valued, but can regret sharing too much with the wrong people. Many oversharers struggle with social anxiety, and sometimes use sharing to build relationships prematurely,” she explains. “Meanwhile, undersharers often bottle up feelings and can feel like people find them unapproachable or seem ‘fine’ during a crisis when they’re not.” 

When it comes to talking about things such as money, relationships, politics, family matters or health, we all have our own boundaries around what we feel comfortable sharing with others. You should never feel pressured to share more or less than you want to; however, if your sharing style is repeatedly creating issues in your relationships, Jha says it could be beneficial to think about how to share more (or less).

It’s one thing to have differing levels of willingness to share with your colleagues, family members or acquaintances, but when close friends find themselves at opposite ends of this spectrum, it can feel tricky to navigate at times.

“Feelings of rejection can arise on both ends of this friendship,” says Jha. “An oversharer may feel like their friend isn’t sharing because they don’t trust them enough or that the relationship lacks depth. On the other hand, the undersharer may feel forced to share more than they’re comfortable with or feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the relationship.”

The good news is that friendships between oversharers and undersharers can absolutely exist – it just takes some understanding on both sides.

If you’re feeling rejected or untrusted by an undersharing friend, Jha recommends considering all the other ways your friend shows you they love you – remembering your favourite coffee order or listening to your 10-minute voice notes, for example.

“Take note of which topics feel more comfortable for both of you and which ones your friend engages with more and be vigilant to acknowledge and protect the things they do share,” adds Jha. “And always remember to show that you can respect their boundaries by not pushing them on areas they’re obviously less comfortable with.”

For undersharing friends, Jha advises asking thoughtful follow-up questions so your friend knows their sharing isn’t annoying or too much. “If you’d like to share more with your friend, practise sharing small, low-risk details and see how you feel,” says Jha. “But you can also find shared activities that don’t feel overwhelming so you can connect without it feeling overly personal, for example, discussing a book you’re both reading, setting a goal to run a 5k together or taking a class together.”

The bottom line is, as long as neither party feels pressured to be someone they’re not, and there’s acceptance on both sides, there’s no reason over- and undersharers can’t have a meaningful and close friendship.

Images: Getty