It is a truth universally acknowledged that parenting is tough. Joyful, sure, but tough. And it’s made even tougher by the strange cult of silence that surrounds so many aspects of it – the bits everyone just sort of… well, just sort of assume you’ll figure out for yourself along the way (while cruising along on less than two hours of unbroken sleep).

Now, asking for advice is a tricky business, especially when it involves asking the sort of questions that make your cheeks flush. Here’s the thing, though: there are no silly questions when it comes to parenting – no matter how many (deeply annoying) people might raise their eyebrows or quirk their mouths into a smirk of disapproval. And so, to help you avoid disappearing down a Google black hole, we’ve sat down with some of our favourite parenting experts to get you the answers you need.

Meet the experts:

• Jacqui Tomkins, independent midwife and chair of IMUK (the organisation that represents self employed midwives). 
• Nursing Mama’s Katie Mugan, IBLC and infant feeding specialist
• Erica Hargaden, sleep consultant and founder of Babogue Sleep Solutions
• Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, therapist and author of Small Steps To Great Parenting: An Essential Guide For Busy Families
• Aoife Lee, parent coach and founder of Parent Support 

1) How do you have sex in the same house as your kids without them hearing?

“Children at different ages may require different techniques,” says Ben-Ari. “Discretion is key. You can use white noise, background music or the TV to mask sounds.

“It’s helpful to make sure the children are either occupied or asleep, and quieter forms of intimacy may be more suitable. Having your own space, like a locked bedroom, can maintain boundaries. Over time, you might prefer to get more creative – ask a babysitter to take them to the park, plan a late morning at home while they’re at school or even consider a short break at a local hotel.”

2) Can you leave a child in the car to nap on your driveway?

“Even if you’re sitting there beside them, it’s generally not considered safe for a child to nap in their car seat while the car is stationary, and that includes when it’s parked in your driveway,” says Hargaden.

“There are safety, supervision and temperature risks associated with it. So, if your child falls asleep in their car seat, it’s safest to transfer them to a flat, firm sleep surface, such as a crib or bassinet, as soon as you arrive home. This ensures a safe sleep environment where they are less likely to experience breathing difficulties.”

She adds that “short, supervised naps while travelling are OK, as long as the car seat is properly installed and you can keep an eye on the baby. However, once the car stops, it’s best to move them to a safer sleep setting.”

3) Why has my relationship with my partner changed so much?

“Having a baby or adding to a brood of siblings is a very exciting time for everyone, but there is no doubt that it can be a testing time, too,” says Lee.

“Prioritising, a lack of sleep, new responsibilities, intimacy and changing roles within a relationship when a baby arrives – all of these factors can create irritability and frustration and leave people feeling isolated and overwhelmed. This can lead to a breakdown in communication, which further impacts how we relate and connect with one another.”

Ben-Ari agrees, adding: “Open communication, patience and prioritising time together can help you reconnect. While it may not return exactly to how it was, it’s often the case that new, more fulfilling rhythms and balance emerge within the first year.”

4) How long can you go without bathing your newborn?

Tomkins says: “You do not have to bathe your baby very often at all, as they are not moving around and finding little pockets of dirt to wallow in. It is so important that we support and build a healthy microbiome for our new babies, and because they have come from a sterile internal environment, they do not require any immediate cleansing. The priority should be to get as much skin-to-skin contact with their mother as possible. The friendly bacteria on a mother’s skin is vital to colonise her baby’s skin, building immunity and a nurturing bond.”

She adds that babies have very sensitive new skin that should be protected from any soap products, regardless of how Ph-balanced, organically sourced or perfume-free they promise to be. 

“If you must wash them, it should be with water only. As a good rule of thumb, babies should be bathed only after the umbilical cord has dried and separated – then maybe a bath every 10 days or so. Or a quick rinse if a heavily soiled nappy has caused a major clean-up effort.”

5) And how long can you go without bathing an older baby/child?

Ben Ari says: “It depends on the child’s age and activity level. Toddlers and older children may need more frequent baths (every day or every other day), especially if they’re active. However, three times a week may suffice if they’re not particularly dirty. It also depends on your own values, routines and the importance you place on hygiene. And timing, especially during stressful times for the family.”

Lee adds: “Regularly ‘spot cleaning’ with a gentle cloth is just as helpful when it comes to milk spillages, dribble or baby vomit.”

6) Can you have sex in the same room as a sleeping baby?

“Yes,” says Tomkins. “Babies are born being very used to a noisy environment. The internal body is not soundless: hearts, intestines and lungs all produce sounds during their workings and the external world sounds can also reach babies in utero. Therefore, normal daily activity and sounds will not disturb sleeping babies.”

She adds: “It’s usually the lack of sound that starts to arouse babies from their peaceful slumbers.” 

7) Where am I supposed to pump at work? How many times?

“Legally, your workplace should provide a private, comfortable space for you to pump,” says Hargaden. 

“Try to schedule pumping every three hours during your workday to maintain supply but this will depend on the age of your child,” she continues. “You may be able to space this out, but again, this will depend on the age of your child and your milk supply. Speak with your employer about your needs so you can feel comfortable and confident in your routine. 

“Finding a private, comfortable space to pump at work can feel challenging, but your employer should support you. If such a space doesn’t exist, have an open conversation with your employer or HR to find a suitable solution. A break room or an empty office with a door that locks could be an option.”

8) What does breastmilk taste like?

“Breastmilk is often described as sweet and slightly creamy, with a flavour that can change depending on what the mother eats,” says Mugan. “It can range from mildly sweet to more neutral.”

9) How much attention should I pay to milestones?

“Tracking our children’s development can be both informative and stressful,” says Lee. “Often, parents will question or worry why their child hasn’t started sitting up, walking, talking, toilet training, etc in the same that their sibling, cousin or friend’s child did. 

“We must remember that every child is so very different and will reach their milestones in their own way and in their own time. If you are concerned for whatever reason, speak to your GP or public health nurse.”

10) Is it OK if I didn’t cry when I first saw my baby?

“The process of labour and birth for a mother is a physically and emotionally challenging time. Your body and mind are dealing with a very significant event, and in order to achieve a successful and safe birth, the brain shuts down focus from the neocortex to the cerebellum, the part of our brain that controls muscle tone and movement among other things,” says Tomkins. 

“Once the work has been completed and our bodies can rest, we slowly refocus on the workings of the neocortex and the amygdala that allow us to process the external world again and our emotional responses to it. This can take more or less time for each individual. It’s so wonderful to know we are all unique.”

11) When is it time to change the sheet in the Moses basket?

Hargaden says the bare minimum for this task is once a week, although you will need to do so more frequently if it becomes soiled.  “Babies can spit, drool or have nappy leaks, so if the sheet gets dirty, it should be changed immediately to maintain hygiene,” she adds.

12) Will the bulging blue vein on my boob ever go away?

“This is a common and temporary change,” promises Mugan. “The blue vein is often due to increased blood flow and changes in your breasts while nursing. Over time, as your breastfeeding journey progresses or you wean, it should become less prominent.”

13) Is it OK to skip the baby classes and stay in rather than being out and about all the time?

“Some parents will hold baby classes as important; others will have expectations of ‘this is what I should be doing or what my child needs to develop and encourage their social cues’. Others take the opportunity to meet other parents, which can be of great support,” says Lee. 

“Overall, it’s helpful to lower your expectations and go with what feels right, what you might enjoy and what is realistic for you.”

14) Why is my immune system so rubbish against baby/toddler/nursery germs?

“Our bodies are exceptional at keeping us alive and they are spectacular at keeping babies alive,” explains Tomkins. 

“Our immune system is hyper-vigilant in the postnatal period and will always put up a strong defence against perceived infection. Once your immune system is triggered it will get to work making antibodies against the virus or infection it’s fighting. These antibodies are then transferred to the baby via breast milk and completes the job of protecting both you and your baby. If you have been struggling to get back to ‘normal’ after the birth and have been neglecting sleep and food as a priority for yourself then your body will be in a weaker state and can become more easily overwhelmed. 

“Ask for support and help from friends and family and make sure you prioritise yourself primarily.”

15) When will my baby sleep through the night? And will I ever wake up on my own terms again?

“It varies massively from baby to baby, as so much will contribute including their temperament and feeding style, but it is possible that your baby may begin to sleep through at around nine to 12 months,” says Hargaden.

“Parents often develop a heightened sense of awareness, always ready to respond to their child’s needs, so sleep might feel lighter for a while. But as routines stabilise, and as your confidence grows in your child’s ability to sleep soundly, your deep sleep can make a comeback. It may not be quite the same as pre-parenthood, but it can definitely improve. And there will come a time when your alarm or natural body clock wakes you up – not the little ones.”

She adds: “It might take a few years, and mornings will never quite be as leisurely as they once were, but eventually, you’ll get there.”

16) Will my social life ever get back to normal?

“Your social life will change, but it can still be vibrant,” says Ben-Ari. “With kids, you’ll need to adapt routines and find time and energy to reconnect with friends. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Instead, let your friends know how you’re feeling and ask for their patience and support. 

“Remember, childhood is just a phase that will pass faster than you think. With each stage of your children’s development, you’ll find a balance that works for you. Some people feel energised by social life, while others feel drained, so tune into your own needs.”

Lee agrees, noting: “Babies and small children rely on us significantly; we spend most of our time with them, meeting their needs, making them comfortable. In those early weeks and months, it’s all we know. Some parents find it hard to be away from their babies and small children and others will embrace it at the first opportunity.

“We will prioritise when we need to – but this period of our lives is a moment in time.”

Mugan adds: “The newborn phase is intense, but once feeding routines are established and your baby becomes more independent, you’ll find a balance again. It’s important to prioritise self-care and social connections, even if it looks different for a little while.”

17) How long can a baby wear the same onesie/sleepsuit for?

Tomkins advises that clothing for babies “needs to be removed and replaced if they become damp or soiled”.

“Vomit, urine and faeces are frequently leaked onto both babies’ and parents’ clothing, so it will be necessary to remove and replace as needed,” she says. “Again, prioritising the integrity of a baby’s skin is the key reason for a change of clothing closely followed by maintaining a comfortable temperature for them.”

18) Can you leave a baby/toddler in the car if you run in to pay for petrol?

“No. Even if it’s just for a moment, it’s unsafe and often illegal in many regions to leave a child unattended in a car, even for a short time,” says Ben-Ari. “Always bring them with you to ensure their safety.”

The exception to this rule, of course, is “if there was another adult with them”, adds Lee.

19) Does everyone find it as hard as I do?

“Everyone’s experience of parenting is different: some won’t have a support network around them, some may be parenting by themselves, some might have different experiences bonding with their child,” says Lee.

“That being said, adapting to having a new baby is huge. It can feel overwhelming, cause us to doubt our ability and experience sleep deprivation, which can have a big impact on our mood and wellbeing. You are not alone.”

Ben-Ari agrees, adding: “Parenting is challenging for everyone at different times. You’re definitely not alone in feeling overwhelmed, and it’s perfectly OK to struggle. Every parent’s journey is unique, but the challenges are universal.”

20) Do you know when your kids are ugly? In terms of looks and behaviour?

“Every child is beautiful, and it’s natural for parents to see their own kids that way. And parents are usually unaware of their child’s challenging behaviour unless it also shows up at home,” says Ben-Ari. 

“Once a child starts school, you can trust that peers or teachers will inform you if there’s an issue. Parents often believe that conflicts with other children aren’t their child’s fault, but if the same problems keep coming up, it might be worth looking into why that’s happening.”

21) When does this get easier?

“Parenting evolves more than it truly ‘gets easier’,” says Hargaden. “As a parent of three myself, I have found the challenges change, and while some things definitely become more manageable, new complexities can arise as my children grow. 

“Each stage brings new joys and challenges. While certain aspects become easier (like sleep and self-sufficiency), new challenges – emotional, social or academic – emerge. The key is that your ability to adapt and grow with your child also increases, which helps make things feel more manageable over time.”

Ben-Ari adds: “Parenting is demanding, and even the smallest breaks can really help recharge you. Self-care is essential, so try to relax with a book in the bath, or better yet, ask your partner, a friend or someone else to take your baby for a walk so you can enjoy your ‘me time’ on the sofa with a hot drink and some music.”

Images: Getty