Who among us hasn’t enjoyed a little boast at some point in our lives? But by the same token, pretty much all of us don’t like it when others boast. There’s a tricky balance to be struck – especially with our lives increasingly being played out on social media – between quite rightly taking pride in our accomplishments and not coming across as conceited. As a result, bragging has become complicated: there’s the humble brag, downright open boasting, one-upmanship, busy bragging – the list goes on. 

Now, a new iteration of boasting has come to the fore: the ‘ask-brag’. Cleverly disguised as something that initially appears to focus on you or your interests, the ask-bragger will entertain a conversation with the sole aim of conveying their latest achievement. This may look like asking if you’re taking a holiday this year as a way for them to get around to talking about their all-inclusive luxury Maldives trip, or more sneakily, it can even be disguised as a complaint (“My wrists are just so painful when I do a full push-up. How many can you do?”) Subtle, maybe, but effective? Not so much. 

However we go about it, boasting rarely comes across well. So, why are we still coming up with new ways to boast – and how can we spot when someone else is bragging? 

“Ask-bragging is an intriguing behavioural pattern where a person poses a question, not to gain knowledge or insight, but to skillfully direct attention back to their own accomplishments,” explains psychologist Barbara Santini. “For example, someone might ask, ‘Does anyone else find it difficult balancing three high-powered projects at once?’ Such questions subtly invite admiration under the guise of seeking advice.” 

While the bragger might think they’re being clever, it’s usually pretty easy to spot an ask-brag if you know what to look out for. So, why do we still do it? 

According to the experts, any form of boasting stems from our desire for validation and approval, and is deeply rooted in our self-esteem (or lack thereof). It’s totally normal to want others to have a favourable opinion of us, but societal norms don’t allow for a straightforward boast, so we have to go about it differently. 

“People often ask-brag because they crave validation and recognition for their achievements,” agrees Sana Khwaja, an integrative psychotherapist at online counselling platform Better Help. “They want others to acknowledge their success without appearing too boastful. It may also stem from insecurity and desire to seek external affirmation, but it’s important to note that some people may be genuinely unaware that they’re ask-bragging and believe they’re seeking helpful advice.”

Ask-bragging does us no favours

Even if we feel we’re being subtle, it’s likely that our bragging won’t go unnoticed – and won’t win us any friends. 

“People are likely to perceive an ask-brag as insincere or attention-seeking,” says Khwaja. “If it’s a repeated pattern of behaviour, it may strain relationships and people may be less willing to engage. Overall, it creates a negative impression.” 

The chances are you’ll know exactly what we’re talking about, but if you’re still unsure of what to look out for, telltale signs include backhanded compliments or phrases such as, “How’s work? It’s so annoying that my boss wants me to lead this huge project again.”

“Ask-braggers also often fish for compliments by downplaying their achievements and waiting for others to praise them,” notes Khwaja. “The brag  may also come in the form of a complaint with an underlying boast, similar to humble bragging.”

Worried you might be guilty of ask-bragging yourself? There are ways to reduce the risk of alienating your friends and colleagues. 

1. Work on your listening skills 

The experts suggest asking questions you can’t answer yourself and working on your listening skills. If you’re truly engaged in active listening, rather than simply waiting for someone to finish talking so you can cut in, you’re far less likely to be thinking about what you’re going to say and more likely to be empathetic to your fellow conversationalist. 

2. Be honest with yourself

“If you want to stop ask-bragging, ask yourself: Am I looking for advice, or do I just want to be acknowledged?” says life coach Sam Adams. “If it’s the latter, just say it. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of what you’ve done.”

3. Work on your self-awareness

“If you’re a serial ask-bragger, try to develop the self-awareness to recognise these patterns and feel comfortable owning your success without needing to wrap it in a question,” advises Adams. 

The takeaway? If in doubt, keep quiet. There’s no good way to brag, other than allowing your mates to do it for you. 

Images: Getty