A few years ago, a friendship I’d had since primary school ended. We didn’t have a huge falling out, nor did one of us ‘dump’ the other, we just… drifted apart. As our lives took different paths, we found we had less and less in common, and one day, the friendship just didn’t make sense anymore.

Despite our history, I was happy to call time on the friendship, and I assumed she was, too. There was no conversation to make it official; we simply stopped texting each other. Neither of us even had to ghost the other. It was all very grown up.

And yet, I still found myself mourning the friendship, just as one might a romantic breakup or if one of us had cruelly ‘dumped’ the other. There was no resentment, but the idea that someone no longer wanted me in their life (even though the feeling seemed mutual) was still a hard pill to swallow. 

“Losing a close friendship can hurt just as deeply as a romantic breakup, if not more in some cases,” explains Charlotte Fox Weber, psychotherapist and author of What We Want. “Friendships often hold a quiet, steady intimacy – the person you turn to when life feels overwhelming, who knows the unpolished, real version of you. And there’s the shared humour and associations that thread moments of time in our life stories. When that’s gone, it can feel like losing a piece of yourself, and the grief can be intense or even surprising.

“Even if the friendship wasn’t good anymore or ended mutually, grief isn’t always logical. You grieve the loss of potential, the vague visions of growing old together and remaining connected. You’re not just mourning the present reality of the friendship; you’re grieving what it once was – the laughter, the shared experiences, the dreams you built together and the promise of what life might become. Even if fading out a friendship was the right decision, there’s often a bittersweet ache in letting go of something that once mattered deeply.”

I’m certainly not alone in this feeling. Fox Weber says she’s had clients “expressing feelings of heartbreak and confusion” after a friendship ending.

Drifting apart from friends could be seen as the easier, more peaceful method of parting ways. But while falling out with a friend can be a brutal experience, at least you know why the friendship ended. When things are left unsaid, that comes with its own set of challenges.

“There’s often ambiguity or a lack of clarity in why a close connection has faded,” says Fox Weber. “Sometimes we construct stories and hypothesise when there’s no clear moment to mark the loss, just the slow realisation that someone who used to be part of your regular life is no longer. It’s a quieter grief, but no less real.”

She affirms that it’s human to search for answers or try to assign blame. “The truth is friendships end for many reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all,” she says. “The loss of a close friend can be about diverging values, lifestyle choices or personality differences that become too painful or irksome to tolerate. It’s not always a tragedy or crisis when a friendship fades – it’s also the fluctuation of life and circumstances; people grow in different directions, and that’s OK.”

Fox Weber recommends letting yourself grieve the friendship. “Don’t downplay your feelings because ‘it’s just a friendship’. Your pain is valid. Write about your memories, cry if you need to, and give yourself space to process the loss.”

She also says it can be a great time to focus on self-reflection. “It’s natural to wonder what went wrong, but try to approach this as an opportunity for growth rather than a way to beat yourself up. Every ending holds lessons – about boundaries, communication, and what you truly value in a friend.”

Lastly, she advises using your newfound time to invest in your other relationships. “A friendship ending can leave a painful void, but it’s also an opportunity to deepen connections with the people still in your life or to make new ones. Opening yourself up to new possibilities can bring unexpected joy and healing.”

In some situations, you might feel as though you want to reconnect with the friend in the future, but Fox Weber recommends taking stock before firing off that WhatsApp message.

“Time has a way of softening the edges of bad memories and, much like romantic breakups, it’s easy to romanticise what you’ve lost once the immediate hurt has faded,” she says. “Before reaching out, ask yourself why. Is it because you genuinely miss the person and believe the friendship can be rebuilt on healthier terms? Or is it more about filling a temporary void?

“Former friends rarely play the script you’ve constructed in your imagination and fantasies over time. If you can allow for surprise and suspended judgment, it’s interesting to meet people at different moments in life. If you decide to reach out, approach with humility and curiosity – acknowledge the time apart and ask if they’d be open to reconnecting. But be prepared for the possibility that they may have moved on, and try to be OK with that.”

Images: Getty