Here’s a big question: do you think smartphones, laptops, the internet and technology in general have been good or bad for our love lives? 

Thanks to tech, we’ve been able to meet people whose paths we might not otherwise have crossed. We can sustain long-distance relationships with video calls rather than waiting for the arrival of a handwritten letter. We can communicate with our partners even when we’re apart. Plus, we get to send people we love memes! TikTok videos! Photos filtered to look like they’re old! Those are good, right?

But then there’s phubbing. The immense fatigue that comes with online dating. The difficulty of settling when you have instant access to so many other options. The arguments triggered by the various nuances of online communication, whether your partner keeps liking someone else’s photos or is terrible at responding to messages with the haste you’d prefer. 

I guess the answer might be more complex than a simple ‘good’ or ‘bad’. More likely, the impact of tech depends very much on how you use it. Approach it with wisdom and care, and your relationship can thrive in a sea of healthy communication and couple selfies. Fail to do that and, well, your relationship will drown in an ocean of jealousy and resentment. What determines whether your bond sinks or swims isn’t only down to how much time you spend on your phone, though. As psychologist Elaine Kasket explains, what it can often come down to is whether your tech habits are compatible with your partner’s attachment style (and, indeed, your own). 

“No one is immune to technoference, which refers to interruptions in communication and intimacy caused by people paying attention to their devices or crossing privacy boundaries,” Kasket tells Stylist. “Securely attached people have certain strengths, however, that help them handle technoference in their relationship.”

In case you’re not au fait with attachment styles, a brief recap. These are descriptions of how you form relationships (or attachments, as the name says), and tend to carry through from your childhood. According to psychologist Bowlby, there are four types you might fit into:

1. Secure: all good here! Securely attached people have good communication skills, high levels of trust and feel safe and secure in their relationships.
2. Anxious: scared of being abandoned, clingy, jealous, worried they’re not good enough.
3. Avoidant: avoids relationships, closed-off, steers clear of emotional intimacy, prioritises being independent.
4. Disorganised/anxious-avoidant: flicks between anxious and avoidant, wants closeness but fears it too, unpredictable, struggles to deal with emotions, often sabotages relationships. 

As you’d expect, couples with secure attachments are most protected from technology having a ruinous effect on their relationship (although it can still happen). But what about anxious, avoidant and disorganised people? 

Tech use and anxious attachment styles

“Anxiously attached people can suffer from low self-esteem, fear rejection or abandonment, and demonstrate clingy, reassurance-seeking behaviours in relationships,” Kasket explains. “They may insist that their partner is constantly in touch and responsive to messages; track their location using Find My, Life360 or other apps; monitor what sorts of posts and photos they’re liking on social media; and constantly question whether they are messaging a rival on their phone.

“If you experience low self-esteem and self-worth, your partner’s online activity or your own electronic tracking and surveillance behaviours may provoke jealousy, suspicion and anxious aggression and interrogation. Your partner’s reassurances that everything is fine might fall on deaf ears. You’ll interpret their privacy boundaries as secrecy, a warning sign that the relationship is under threat.”

When you have an anxious attachment, you’re likely to be very, very tempted to snoop. This isn’t a good idea. “Even if you don’t find anything explicitly concerning, you’ll tend to read any ambiguous things you do find in a way that reinforces your worries,” Kasket notes. “Plus, if you find nothing, the hit of reassurance you’ve received will make it more likely that you try to soothe yourself through snooping in the future.”

Long-term, it’s not so much technology that spells bad news for a relationship with an anxious attachment, but how someone’s who anxious, jealous and constantly seeking reassurance ends up using tech. 

Tech use and avoidant attachment styles

“You might assume that avoidantly attached people aren’t so interested in having committed relationships, but that’s not necessarily the case,” Kasket tells us. “Avoidantly attached individuals desire, seek and form relationships, but they’re often more independent and less reliant on those connections. Both emotional and physical intimacy may feel less comfortable for them. If their partner pushes for more closeness and depth in the relationship, the avoidantly attached person may ‘switch off’.

“In my clinical work with both individuals and couples, I’ve observed that avoidantly attached adults use technology as a kind of calibration system to maintain a level of connection or involvement that feels manageable for them.”

This can lead to a lot of phubbing (when you’re so busy staring at your phone that you’re not paying attention to your partner), ignoring messages, and, well, avoidance. 

“If you’re avoidantly attached, for example, you might immerse yourself in your phone to distract or protect yourself from an interaction with your partner that you’re finding emotionally difficult or overwhelming,” Kasket says. “If it all gets too much – for example, if their messages or questions about where you are and what you’re doing are winding you up – you may simply turn off your phone, block their messages or hide your location. Sometimes you might find that being loving and expressive to your significant other is easier via text than it is in person; you might also struggle to meet your partner’s expectations for initiating and responding to texts, calls, and emails.”

Where things can go really wrong is when an avoidantly attached person and an anxiously attached person get together. “Their instinctive needs and cravings are misaligned,” Kasket says. “One person is constantly drawing and defending strong emotional and technological boundaries; the other is trying to breach them to gain reassurance.”

Tech use and disorganised attachment styles

Disorganised attachment styles can end up taking the worst parts of anxious and avoidant attachment types. 

“If you have a disorganised attachment style, you’re a bit all over the place, swinging from anxious to avoidant,” Kasket shares. “You might be intensely desirous for a relationship while being simultaneously terrified of closeness, and you’ll constantly be on the lookout for the warning signs of rejection or betrayal. In my experience, people with a disorganised attachment style might engage in technological surveillance from the start, convinced that the relationship is unlikely to work out and seeking only to confirm it.”

So that’s how tech use might cause issues depending on our attachment styles. Now, what can we do about it? Here are some quick tips.

Don’t snoop 

“So-called intimate-partner surveillance – checking, hacking into or snooping on your partner’s devices and accounts – is almost always problematic, making situations worse rather than better,” Kasket advises. “Intimate-partner surveillance combines two things that are rarely helpful or effective: first, reassurance-seeking, and second, avoidance – avoidance of conflict, confrontation or awkwardness. 

“Surreptitious snooping gives you no opportunity to develop the courage, willingness and skills you need to communicate about tough stuff. Instead of hacking your significant other’s phone, seek out resources that will help you improve your communication: therapy, relationship coaching, books, podcasts, videos and other online resources.”

Understanding your own – and your partner’s – attachment style

Knowledge is power and all that jazz. Simply understanding where you and your partner’s behaviours are coming from can make a big difference. “There are plenty of books, podcasts and online resources that will help you understand attachment style, including sites where you can fill out questionnaires like the Adult Attachment Questionnaire (AAQ),” Kasket says.

Have some tech-free time 

Boundaries are key. Try to mark out some time with your partner where screens aren’t allowed – no checking messages or scrolling TikTok while you’re talking. That might be every day when you have a meal together, for an hour before bed or throughout your entire weekly date night. It’s up to you, but make sure there’s some quality time that’s just between you and your partner – no tech involved. 

Make a conscious effort to tweak unhelpful behaviours

“Once you understand your attachment style and have identified the tech behaviours related to it, you can work on changing any behaviours that are clearly unhelpful,” Kasket says. “While you may never be able to fully change your automatic felt reactions, you can learn to convert them into responses that are healthier and more workable for your relationship.”

So maybe you recognise that when emotions simmer up and threaten to boil over, you tend to reach for your phone. Perhaps instead you do some meditation or try talking things out with your partner, or even just go outside for a bit. If your problem is being rubbish at replying, consider why that is and get to the root so you can become better. 

“Technology often gets mixed up in our attempts to manage our relationships. Once you stop using it to avoid conflict, to distract yourself, to control your partner or to assuage your insecurities, you’ll be pushed towards the option of dealing with concerns and difficulties more directly,” Kasket adds. “You’ll be more likely to learn, grow and connect. You’ll become better able to tolerate the messy and difficult bits of being in a relationship.

“Technoference is an ever-present danger in modern relationships, whatever your attachment style, but you have more power than you think to overcome it.”

Elaine Kasket is a psychologist, speaker and coach. Her new book, Reboot: Reclaiming Your Life In A Tech-Obsessed World, is out on 31 August, published by Elliott & Thompson. 

Images: Getty