Not all toxic behaviours in relationships are easy to spot. In fact, a toxic partner who uses subtle emotional manipulation might even come across as normal and loving to those around them. A quick glance through literary history shows us that manipulative patterns in relationships are nothing new – nor is our tendency to romanticise some of these behaviours as the slightly misguided mistakes of someone in love.

In Shakespeare’s catalogue, there are numerous examples of manipulation that are played off as ‘love’. In The Taming Of The Shrew, Petruchio uses manipulation to ‘tame’ the ‘unfeminine’ Kate into being a ‘better wife’. More recently, fan-favourite couples like Carrie and Big from Sex And The City or Ross and Rachel from Friends have provided examples of unhealthy emotional manipulation – think of Big’s refusal to make any public signs of commitment to Carrie while constantly stringing her along in private or Ross’s famous pros and cons list about Rachel. Then, of course, there’s Netflix’s You, which shows a much darker side of emotional manipulation in romantic relationships. 

Even more recently, dating shows like Love Island have shown how a cultural acceptance of emotional manipulation in romantic relationships has made it a common phenomenon in the dating world. Just take Luca’s insistence that Gemma was flirting with someone else or Dami’s downplaying of his own actions in Casa Amor while overplaying Indiyah’s flirtations at the same time. 

For the partner who is being manipulated, this emotionally abusive tactic can be disorienting and hard to spot. Similar to gaslighting, manipulation can leave you feeling as though you must have done something wrong. We spoke to Lara Asprey, relationship expert and author of Her Best Life, and Deb Morgan, a relationship coach, to find out more about why manipulative relationships happen, how to spot them and how to confront them.

Why do some people manipulate the people they love? Usually, it’s about control and your partner’s inability to communicate their fears about the relationship in a constructive way. “All relationships are based on power and control,” Morgan says. “In healthy relationships, the power and control are balanced between the couple; however, in relationships where one partner feels the need for power or control they may resort to manipulation in order to exert or retain control and therefore power.”

If your partner wants your relationship to go a certain way or they want you to act a certain way, instead of risking a complicated conversation, they may end up using manipulative tactics to get you to do what they want. As Morgan puts it, “Manipulation is a way for one person to get what they want from the other person when that person doesn’t want to acquiesce.” For instance, if they don’t miss you when you go out with your friends on the weekend, they may end up using manipulation to trick you into thinking you’re deserting them rather than having an open conversation about how they’re feeling.

After all, in a long-term romantic relationship, your partner probably knows you well enough to know what buttons to press to generate an emotional response from you – even if they don’t even realise just how toxic their behaviours are.

On the flip side, some people are more prone to respond to manipulative tactics because of their relationship history. “If you have previously lost someone you might fear that loss again and be keen to do whatever you can to make your relationship last,” Asprey says. “That can often mean you will be more prone to being manipulated and coerced into actions and behaviour that you don’t recognise in yourself.”

Unfortunately, when someone successfully manipulates their partner, they’ll be more likely to try a similar tactic again. “People who like to manipulate look for victims who are likely to go along with their wishes, so often focus their energy and attention on those who seem likely to believe them,” says Asprey.

What makes manipulation so difficult to spot is that it often looks a lot like the behaviour of someone acting out of love.

They use your insecurities against you

If your partner brings up your insecurities as a tactic to make you do or say something, they may be manipulating you.

They lie

If your partner has a habit of lying about situations and becoming defensive, this may be part of a pattern of manipulation.

They use hyperbole

Hyperbole and exaggeration usually point to some form of emotional manipulation. For instance, if your partner says things like, “You never come home early on the weekend,” or “You always forget to do unload the dishwasher,” they are probably stretching the truth to manipulate you into new behaviour.

They hold onto old issues

If you find that the same old problems are raised every time you have an argument, your partner may be using manipulation to distract you from the issue at hand.

They use threats

If your partner threatens to break up with you or cancel a special date, this is likely a manipulation tactic to make you respond to them in the way they want you to.

They are gaslighting you

Gaslighting is usually a good sign of manipulation and is one of the most common forms of emotional abuse. Your partner may make you feel like every problem in your relationship is your fault, which eventually causes you to second-guess yourself.

Ask yourself what you would do if you were single

Be honest with yourself – if you weren’t with your partner, would you be acting differently? This is a good sign that they are manipulating you to respond to certain situations in a way that you wouldn’t typically respond. “Would you behave differently on your own?” says Asprey. “Does the way you are behaving feel uncomfortable to you or just ‘not like you’?”

Keep a diary

If you suspect your partner is being manipulative, keeping a diary can help you decipher their behaviour in a more structured way. “Keep a diary for every time you spot something off and write it down,” suggests Asprey. “This is important when it comes to remembering all the little things as you will soon start to realise that they do add up.”

If you’re concerned that your partner has gotten into a habit of using emotional manipulation, it’s important to confront the issue head-on.

Listen to your gut

“First and foremost, listen to your gut instinct,” says Morgan. “Those times when it tells you that ‘something isn’t right’, but you can’t quite put your finger on it.”

Express how you’re feeling

The conversation might be hard, but try to keep things calm and productive. “If you feel talking to your partner would help then do it, express yourself and your boundaries and expectations clearly,” says Asprey.

Seek professional help

If you can’t communicate effectively, ask your partner to attend couples therapy, suggests Morgan. “Seek the services of a relationships coach, counsellor or therapist to help you work through it either on your own if you want to remain in the relationship or to help you work out what you want and help you through it. Refusal is often an indicator that they know they’re being manipulative.”

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