When I decided to give dating apps a try after being single for almost two years, I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. While I did have some good dates, I also had ones that made me want to give up on dating for good. 

Navigating the dating scene for as long as I have (five years to be exact) has made it hard to have hope. A few months ago I met someone who I had a really good feeling about and I was hopeful for the first time in a very long time, but I noticed that his actions weren’t matching his words. I decided to end things. I was back at square one… again. “I think it’s time to give up on the apps,” is what I was told by a friend, and she was right. After years of ‘putting myself out there’, I hadn’t met anyone with good intentions and who took commitment as seriously as I did. 

Dating is difficult for everyone, but it’s especially hard for Black women. In 2014, user data on OkCupid showed that most men on the site rated Black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities and, according to a 2019 Pew Research analysis, Black women were the demographic most likely to be unmarried. 

Many Black women struggle with the superficiality of conversations on the dating apps, like Carly Plunkett, who has explored online dating but prefers to have deeper conversations with people she has a genuine interest in. “A lot of people on dating apps can’t be bothered to invest in small conversations and having deeper conversations with total strangers can be really daunting,” she tells Stylist. While choosing to invest in connections that are worthwhile is a good way to approach things, holding out for them can make it hard to stay optimistic, especially when you’ve been single for a long time.

Alice* has been single on and off for over 10 years and has found it hard to remain positive. “The dating landscape has changed dramatically over the years,” she says. “However, it does feel that Black women face additional challenges and barriers that our counterparts do not. As a dark-skinned, fuller-figured Black woman, I feel like I am at the bottom of everyone’s list. I haven’t struggled with attracting men, but finding a partner that is genuinely interested in me as a person and wants to settle down is very different.” 

Wanting to date someone with similar values and goals has a big part to play in how women navigate dating, which can make it even more difficult to find ‘Mr. Right’. According to findings from UCAS, women in the UK are 35% more likely to go to university than men, and a 2022 report from Advance HE revealed that women made up the majority of UK PhDs for the first time. 

“My biggest dating challenge has been finding someone who is a match with me,” Alice shares. “I’m highly educated, intelligent, well-travelled and I have a great personality – all of these things should make me a great catch, but I often find myself dating men who aren’t as ambitious as me or who are intimidated by my success.”

Some career paths can also make dating difficult, as Plunkett has found. “I’m young, Black, Christian, in tech and I’m a mum; finding someone who understands these things is challenging,” she says. “I have many things I need to consider before dating. Whenever I do meet new people, it’s always in relation to business and so that makes things difficult.” 

For digital consultant, brand marketer and mentor Jamilah E. Toni, the most exciting part of dating is getting to know someone new. “I’ve been single for five years and depending on who I date, it can be so much fun,” she tells us. “I generally tend to meet interesting and diverse men who are great dates.” But all too often, things take a turn when things get a bit deeper. “Some people let their past experiences shape their view of romantic relationships and they become jaded,” Toni adds. “Jaded people tend to judge based on assumptions rather than actions, which can make it difficult to build a connection.” 

Plunkett has been single for over a year and while she enjoys dating in London, the first thing she looks for when she meets someone new is friendship. “The first thing I look for is someone I can be friends with,” she notes. “Regardless of how the date goes, I want to come away having enjoyed the company and time.” 

Social media has had a positive and negative impact on how some members of the Black community view dating and relationships. While narratives relating to the formation and success of these relationships have been rightfully challenged, it has also led to some social media users developing biased ideas of what a successful relationship looks like. For example, Black British Twitter’s bi-annual ‘who should pay on the first date?’ conversation has become a breeding ground for controversial views and unpleasant exchanges. “It’s clear to see that a lot of men live on social media – a place where there is an extremely negative and toxic approach to dating that I find soul destroying and because of this, it’s difficult to tell who is genuine and who is just playing games,” Alice says.

For Black women who know exactly what they are looking for in a partner and refuse to settle for less, this can make it difficult to enjoy the good things that dating has to offer. “When I’m dating someone, I like to ‘go with the flow’, but this can be difficult when things haven’t gone to plan,” Alice notes. “I would love to be in a relationship but I feel like the odds are stacked against me. There are fewer options open to me as a dark-skinned, taller-than-average, curvier woman. Many men find me physically attractive but I am not the woman that they want to commit to and with every year that goes by, being in a long-term relationship feels less and less likely.”

Other challenges Black women face while dating include fetishisation, which can cause Black women to not be taken seriously on apps, and stereotyping. Like Alice, many Black women are taking pride in the careers that they have worked incredibly hard to build, but some men may find such success intimidating. Societal stereotypes such as Black women being too loud or angry has also influenced how we are perceived and treated by our own community and other communities. Such stereotypes can make Black women question their desirability, causing them to minimise their qualities and achievements in the hope that they’ll increase their chances of finding love.

All of these things can make it hard to put a positive spin on dating, especially when some millennials are feeling pressure to get married. A 2018 survey revealed that millennials were 177% more likely than other generations to feel pressure to get married, with pressure rooted in culture for most respondents. In the Black community, questions such as “when will you marry?” and being labelled ‘picky’ for refusing to settle can make dating feel overwhelming. 

All this is why Toni believes it is crucial to cultivate a positive mindset. “I use positive affirmations and other aids to boost my confidence and keep me motivated,” she shares. “This helps me stay optimistic. I also work on becoming the best version of myself and make time for the things I enjoy. I refuse to let dating take over my life.”

Adopting a mindful approach can also promote positive feelings about dating. For Alice, keeping what she wants from a relationship in mind as she navigates the dating world has provided meaningful opportunities for reflection. “I do a lot of reflecting,” she says. “It’s important for me to spend time thinking about whether the new connection I have is serving me or not. I always try to find the balance between giving dates a chance and listening to my intuition.” 

Plunkett also favours a mindful approach by being honest and patient with herself when she meets someone she likes. “I also like to do things I know I will enjoy even if I don’t enjoy the actual date,” she adds. “My advice to Black women who are dating is to always remember that they are enough and that they are allowed to meet new people and also let go of people.”

The world of modern dating hasn’t always been kind to Black women, which explains why some of them have been left with no choice but to maintain a sense of neutrality through it all. While dating can be a positive experience, the negatives can have a significant impact on not just our wellbeing, but also how we approach dating and relationships as a whole. 

“Negative dating experiences can serve to reinforce internalised negative beliefs based on previous experiences in familial and romantic relationships,” explains psychological therapist Salome Mare-Walsh. “The most useful way Black women can navigate these is to heal from these experiences. A great starting point is to build a positive intrapersonal relationship before entertaining interpersonal relationships. You can do this via self-help and introspection; however, it can be more powerful to do this work with an accredited psychological practitioner.”

*Name has been changed.

Images: Getty