When I decided to give dating apps a try after being single for almost two years, I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. While I did have some good dates, I also had ones that made me want to give up on dating for good.

Navigating the dating scene for as long as I have (five years to be exact) has made it hard to have hope. A few months ago I met someone who I had a really good feeling about and I was hopeful for the first time in a very long time, but I noticed that his actions weren’t matching his words. I decided to end things. I was back at square one… again. “I think it’s time to give up on the apps,” is what I was told by a friend, and she was right. After years of ‘putting myself out there’, I hadn’t met anyone with good intentions and who took commitment as seriously as I did.

Dating is difficult for everyone, but it’s especially hard for Black women. In 2014, user data on OkCupid showed that most men on the site rated Black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities and, according to a 2019 Pew Research analysis, Black women were the demographic most likely to be unmarried.

Many Black women struggle with the superficiality of conversations on the dating apps, like Carly Plunkett, who has explored online dating but prefers to have deeper conversations with people she has a genuine interest in. “A lot of people on dating apps can’t be bothered to invest in small conversations and having deeper conversations with total strangers can be really daunting,” she tells Stylist. While choosing to invest in connections that are worthwhile is a good way to approach things, holding out for them can make it hard to stay optimistic, especially when you’ve been single for a long time.

“I refuse to let it take over my life”: Black women share how they navigate the disappointment of dating