Dating may not be a sport, but it can certainly feel like one. A lucky, innately talented few are able to triumph in every game: their Tinder swipes are as elegant as a strong forehand, their first date conversations as seamless as a perfect pass, and landing that second date is a satisfying slam dunk. 

Most of us, though, well… we’re a little less talented out there on the field. We trip and stumble over our words here, fumble a text message there, and before we know it, our dates have dried up. We find ourselves sitting on the sidelines and watching as more talented daters stay on the pitch and keep playing.

If this all sounds a little too familiar, allow us to introduce you to ‘benching’. The latest dating term to make the rounds, it essentially describes the feeling of being someone’s second choice: in sport, if you’ve been ‘benched’, you’ve not been picked to play.

Stylist spoke to Jade Thomas, psychotherapist and founder of Luxe Psychology Practice, to learn more about why benching happens in dating and what you can do about it.

What exactly is benching?

Benching refers to being put on the metaphorical dating sidelines. 

“It’s is a new dating term that describes a scenario when someone keeps you as a backup option and they’re showing more interest in other potential partners,” says Thomas.

According to Thomas, benching can happen for a number of reasons. “It could happen if individuals are scared or don’t want to fully commit to a relationship, therefore they want to keep their options open,” she says. It can also occur when someone simply doesn’t have strong enough feelings to commit to you but likes having you around in case other relationships don’t work out.

The dangers of benching

No one wants to be kept on the bench in a game – and no one wants to be kept on the sidelines of a relationship, either.

“Being benched can be confusing and hurtful, particularly if you are making an effort in the relationship and that is not being reciprocated due to their interest in other partners,” Thomas says. “Overall, it can play with people’s emotions.”

Stop benching in its tracks

Unfortunately, benching can go on for a long time, especially if you don’t set boundaries with the other person. Plus, the longer you let yourself act as a reserve for the other person, the more likely you are to get hurt. Just think of Kate Winslet’s Iris in The Holiday – kept waiting on the metaphorical sidelines for years.

If you feel that someone is benching you by keeping you in their back pocket while also dating other people, reflect honestly on whether you’re hoping for a more serious, committed relationship.

“It’s important to set boundaries with what is acceptable and not acceptable to you when dating,” Thomas says. “It’s important to assert and respect your own needs and wants and a potential partner should value that.”

If you decide that being kept on the sidelines is not what you want from this person at this time, tell them. “Communicate honestly and be assertive,” suggests Thomas. “This can be daunting for a lot of people, but it can save you a lot of hurt and confusion in the long run.”

So, be brave, and get off that bench. After all, someone else is sure to want you on their first team.

Images: Getty