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Relationships
What is ‘cloutlighting’? The toxic relationship trend taking over social media
By Alex Sims
2 years ago
5 min read
‘Cloutlighting’ is a manipulation technique caused by oversharing romantic relationships on social media. Here’s how to spot it.
From posting ‘It’s complicated’ on our Facebook wall to uploading swoon-worthy Instagram shots of anniversary dinners, there’s no doubt social media has completely changed the optics of our romantic relationships.
Before most of us spent our lives with our phones glued to our palms, only our friends and family knew the most intimate details about our relationships (unless we decided to partake in some serious PDA down the pub). Now, at the click of a button, we can share updates on everything from our romantic holidays and late-night text messages to the ins and outs of our home lives.
For many, sharing pictures and videos of ourselves with our partner is an innocent exercise. In fact, a 2019 US study found that including our partner in our social media presence, such as confirming a relationship status online or posting a photo together, can “increase feelings of intimacy and satisfaction”.
However, when one partner posts more about a relationship than the other feels comfortable with, or if the posts become less about sharing mutual happiness and more about getting as many likes as possible, it can lead to detrimental consequences.
What exactly is ‘cloutlighting’?
Even if you haven’t come across the term ‘cloutlighting’ before, you’ll probably be familiar with the online content it refers to. Jessica Lindsay first coined the word for Metro in 2018, after watching a video that had gone viral of a woman sobbing after her boyfriend ate the last of her food.
Pranks that go too far or videoing supposed ‘jokes’ make up a large percentage of cloutlighting content. But it can also extend to grandiose yet hollow romantic gestures shared online simply to garner likes or revealing details about a relationship online against another’s wishes.
The term is a portmanteau of ‘clout’ and ‘gaslighting’ – when someone uses their partner to create content solely for the purpose of gaining popularity on social media through abusive and manipulative techniques.
Relationships are supposed to be a team dynamic
“Cloughtlighting is gaslighting your partner by twisting facts and then making them doubt themselves by using your social media ‘clout’ to make someone doubt,” Tina Wilson, relationship expert and Wingman founder, tells Stylist. Essentially, if you find yourself walking on eggshells around your partner or questioning their actions for fear of details about your relationship being shared on social media – this is cloutlighting.
Since 2018, this kind of social media content has become even more prevalent, with some celebrity couples bolstering their fame through online pranking videos, couples gaining online followings by sharing the most intimate details of their relationships, and trending templates, like those on TikTok, encouraging and making it easier for us to share details about our relationships.
What are the signs of cloutlighting?
Within a relationship, signs of cloutlighting include gaslighting tendencies. “If someone becomes upset about something that’s been posted in a video, the other person might say ‘You’re being dramatic‘ or ‘It’s just for a laugh‘ as a way of justifying their behaviour,” Jade Thomas, psychotherapist and founder of Luxe Psychology Practice, tells Stylist.
People who engage in this kind of behaviour also display a lack of empathy if the other person displays or shares an emotional, negative or upset response, explains Thomas, adding that it can lead to a “lack of boundaries or disrespecting of boundaries”.
Look out for anyone laughing at you, as opposed to with you, explains Thomas. “At the end of the day, relationships are supposed to be of a team dynamic, and if one partner is constantly the target of a joke or prank and not finding it funny, it must be questioned whether it is emotionally and psychologically abusive.”
If information shared about a relationship feels like a violation of privacy, this is also a sign that cloutlighting may be taking place. “Any content shared online within relationships should have a level of consent by both parties involved. If one party continuously violates this, this could suggest the relationship is not healthy,” says Thomas.
“Watching these videos on social media, it can often look like the situations are staged,” says Madalaine Munro, a trauma-informed sexologist. “It may seem like there is a power imbalance in the couple.”
What are the effects of cloutlighting?
‘Trust and respect come under question if you are in a cloutlighting relationship,” says Wilson. “It can cause self-doubt, loneliness, shame and embarrassment.”
Cloutlighting can also normalise behaviour designed to provoke emotional responses, explains Munro .“This goes against what is needed to create an emotionally supportive and safe relationship, where care and empathy are the priority.”
According to Munro, further effects of cloutlighting include normalising the mocking of your partner and normalising the notion that big gestures are the only way to show love. It can also “break the trust in the parasocial relationship of social media because people don’t know what is real or if situations are set up”.
“Doing something to your partner for the approval of or engagement from others creates a dynamic where you’re prioritising the third entity of social media and the parasocial relationship with followers over the emotional wellbeing of your partnership,” explains Munro.
How to deal with cloutlighting in a relationship?
If you see signs of cloutlighting in your relationship, it’s important to check in with your partner about your boundaries. “I would recommend going through these questions,” says Munro. “‘Are we nurturing our relationship enough offline?’, ‘Does this relationship to social media feel sustainable for our emotional intimacy?’ and ‘What changes could we make in our relationship dynamic to support us both feeling more secure, safe and supported in our partnership?’”
Thomas suggests sparking a conversation about boundaries using the ABC assertiveness method. “Tell your partner: ‘When you do A, I feel B; next time I would prefer C,’” explains Thomas. “If your partner continues to disrespect or violate the boundaries that you have assertively communicated to them, this is probably a sign that your relationship is not healthy.”
It’s also important to take time to reflect on our relationship with social media. “Ask yourself whether creating content about your relationship is supporting you and your relationship and how you would feel if you weren’t to do it,” Munro tells Stylist.
“Openly communicate this with your partner, discuss the reasons for creating content about your relationship, and discuss collaboratively with your partner if there are boundaries that can be set when it comes to creating relationship content,” says Wilson.
Images: Getty
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