No one wants to be the flakey friend but almost all of us have one in our lives. Whether they bail on plans at the last minute or refuse to make them in the first place, it can be really frustrating having a friend that you can’t pin down, even if they have valid reasons for being flakey. But what about those friends who do show up to plans but are itching to leave as soon as you arrive? The type of friends who always utter the words “I can’t stay long” before you’ve even ordered your first drink.

“Can’t stay long” friends aren’t totally unlike flakey friends, in that they both refuse to dedicate time to you. But in some ways “can’t stay long” friends appear to be more invested in some ways. At least they show up and try to make time for you, right? Practically, however, it can be more difficult to deal with “can’t stay long” friends, and even more frustrating, as you only find out that they don’t really have time for you after you’ve already carved out time for them.

While you might have taken three hours out of your week to spend time with them, they only have one hour for you, and maybe they aren’t even present for that short window (see: checking their phone or not asking questions). This is one of the biggest frustrations about the “can’t stay long” friends for 41-year-old Molly*, whose friend has recently started dedicating minimal time to her whenever they go out together.

“The last time we went out, I ordered a bottle of wine for the two of us and she said, ‘Don’t order a bottle; I can’t stay long,’” Molly explains. “It irritated me. I wish she had told me before. I dashed into town to meet her – I was expecting to spend the entire evening with her and I was secretly seething inside.”

Tara*, 25, and living in London, is experiencing a similar situation with a friend who has recently entered a new romantic relationship. “I hadn’t seen him for six months because of the relationship and we finally planned to have dinner together. We had a lovely time but after 90 minutes he said he’s going back to his girlfriend’s,” Tara says. “More than feeling hurt, I felt frustrated that he is so swept up in his relationship.”

It’s difficult not to take it personally when someone tells you that they don’t want to spend as much time with you as they do with them, whatever their reasons. The issue in many of these situations is that “can’t stay long” friends can be elusive about why they are being so selective with their time, or are in denial about the reason behind their flakiness, like Tara’s friend, who she describes as being in the “honeymoon period” of his romantic relationship.

Francesca Gamble, a wellbeing and life coach and the co-host of the podcast Becoming More Human, explains that we can experience this kind of behaviour from our friends as a form of rejection.

This seems to reflect Tara’s experiences: “It’s a shame but definitely just part of life,” Tara says of her friends. “People find their partners and don’t need their friends so much, I guess. I’m just a bit worried I’ll end up the single girl with no friends left because they’re all [in relationships].”

However, Gamble stresses that in these situations, the reasons why someone is being flakey are almost always personal. “Try to take the spotlight off of your own internal conflict,” is her advice for people dealing with “can’t stay long” friends. “What is your friend going through? If we lean into giving friends the benefit of the doubt and put your friend’s needs at the centre, without making external judgements, then you begin to rationalise your own internal thoughts and frustrations.”

19-year-old Halimah is a self-proclaimed “can’t stay long” friend and she puts her flakiness down to personal issues she is dealing with. “I think often when I struggle to make time for my friends it’s because I’m a workaholic,” Halimah says. “I feel a lot of guilt when I am out doing fun things with my friends instead of working, which I think is an indication of a poor work-life balance relationship.”

But even if you know your friend’s behaviour is down to something personal they’re dealing with, it’s hard not to be disappointed by the fact they aren’t prioritising your friendship right now. “I don’t like the assumption that her time is more important than mine – that’s what bothers me,” Molly says.

If you are going to confront your friend about their behaviour, or you’re trying to think about why they’re acting like this, Gamble explains that it’s important to make observations rather than judgements. “A judgement could be perceived as you blaming your friend for something which they might not be aware of and may not be doing consciously,” she says. An example of a judgement in this situation, according to Gamble, is: “You always leave early and act like you never want to be here anyway, so what’s the point of you coming?”

Instead, Gamble recommends making an observation. For example: “When you said you didn’t have time for a drink it made me feel worried that I’ve done something to upset you, and like you’re avoiding spending time with me?”

Unfortunately, it’s not unusual for flakiness to impact a friendship beyond repair. This is the case for Tara: “I’ve now stopped making any effort to reach out to my friend. I miss him a lot, but I also need to protect my energy and try not to give time and effort to people who wouldn’t do the same for me,” she says. “I will always be there for him, but I really don’t expect us to get back to the friendship we had, to be honest.”

According to Gamble, “can’t stay long” friends might also be trying to change the boundaries of your friendship and what they want from it, rather than ending it. “It’s important in this situation that you define what a friendship looks like for you as it’s different for everyone,” she says.

For Halimah, the time you spend with your friends isn’t necessarily an indicator of how much you care about them. “Some of my friends feel that I don’t value our friendship, but I don’t think that’s true at all. You can still have a great friendship without seeing each other as often as you might like – lockdown has proved this.”

Ultimately, what you need and want out of a friendship is personal to you, but it’s not unreasonable to want a friend who has time to share a bottle of wine with you every once in a while. “Can’t stay long” friends probably aren’t setting out to hurt you with their behaviour, but just because it’s unintentional, that doesn’t mean it’s OK. Flakiness isn’t a sin, but neither is dropping a friend who won’t stay long for you.

Images: Getty