It’s taken me a few months to come to this realisation, packed with denial and flimsy justifications, but I’ve finally accepted that I’ve been a bad friend this year. My friends are the great loves of my life but I feel that I’ve allowed myself to coast in many of these friendships, instead of putting in the time, effort and work and actually being a friend – in action, rather than just in name. It feels as though I’m a buoy floating out at sea, half-attached to the other buoys but half-bobbing around in my own world.

And I have been absorbed in my own world and the highs and lows it contains. I’ve let messages go unread and replies unsent for weeks on end. I’ve forgotten to send housewarming cards when friends have bought their first home or have moved in with their partners. I’ve forgotten to properly congratulate friends on new jobs, only remembering to slide it into conversation well past their start dates. I’ve bailed on some birthdays due to tiredness, lack of motivation or working on my book – something I wouldn’t have done in the past.

I know what some people may be thinking: “Oh, you should be more forgiving of yourself” or “you have to look out for number one” but I’m not sure I totally agree. Looking after yourself and protecting your peace is important but I’ve never really understood putting down hard and fast boundaries with your friends. If it’s a toxic friendship, that’s a different story, of course. But your friends are the ones who care about you and carry you through the happy times and the rough patches and, yes, it’s natural to want to withdraw when you’re feeling low. It’s something I definitely do but I always feel worse for it and inevitably find myself wishing for the company of my closest friends.

The worst part about being a bad friend is that I expect friends to reply to my messages. I expect them to support my work and career. I expect them to remember and celebrate my birthday. And yet, I’m being a hypocrite because I haven’t always done the same in return in 2024. I’ve tended to pride myself on being a good friend, but that’s certainly not been the case recently. As I’ve been reflecting these past couple of months, shame has been a firm friend to me and I’m not a fan.

This isn’t to say I’ve been a horrendous or malicious person or that I’m ending the year with no friends whatsoever. There have been some hard conversations but I’m lucky that the friends I have continue to love, care and be there for me. As well as shame, gratitude has also been a recent friend to me, thankfully. I know I’m capable of being a much better friend and that I’ve let other aspects of my life take over and overshadow the lives of my friends. My vision has become narrow, insular and selfish with my mind only focusing on my own successes and issues, when the world is so much bigger than my own.

In recent weeks, I’ve fallen into a sad and deep pit of loneliness. Even though there are other reasons for this and my mental health has suffered on and off this year, a major factor is this feeling that I’ve been a bad friend. And at such a crucial and changing point in a lot of mine and my friends’ lives. I turned 30 a couple of months ago and I can already feel that our lives are teetering on the edge of huge change. People are moving in with partners, getting engaged and married, and starting to seriously think about having children. There’s also the fact that as friends’ lifestyles change, the city-living of London that we’ve all grown accustomed to may also be swapped for travelling the world, a different city or a quieter move to suburbia.

Even though I know it’s silly, I feel as though I’m being left behind as my life looks a little different and I’m scared that nobody will want to hang out with me anymore. A fear that may be unfounded in its basis but is sadly still a fear I have often.

I’m not a fan of change as the lack of control is terrifying. But these changes don’t have to be upsetting or negative. If anything, change can be a good thing. Or, at least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself. If you’d have told me five years ago that I’d be living in London and enjoying it, I would’ve laughed in your face. Yes, I’m scared and nervous but, like my move to a new city, I can face it. I’m excited to see my friends thrive in their careers, walk down the aisle, have babies and so much more. Because even with the highs and lows of our own worlds, we still have each other – holding onto each other through the good and the bad.

My friendships are vital to my life and happiness and I want to be a good friend again. I want to deepen the friendships I have, ensuring they’re strong, stable and able to withstand any and all changes thrown our way. And so, that’s why one of my main goals for the new year is changing some of the bad habits and behaviours I’ve picked up and putting positive and joyful energy into many of my friendships. Instead of bobbing around on my own, I want to be a buoy that’s linked to the other buoys, floating together in a changing ocean.

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