The term ’attachment style’ is commonly tossed around in popular psychology. You’ve probably seen relationship articles or TikToks advising you about the signs that your partner is still carrying trauma from their past that makes them ‘avoidant’ or ‘anxious’ in their romantic relationships. 

The basic concept is that we all have an attachment style – a way we approach relationships and friendships. People with secure attachment styles tend to interact with their partner in a healthy way. “Avoidant attachment style is characterised by independence, reluctance to rely on others and discomfort with intimacy,” says Ella Mace, a positive psychology coach. “Anxious attachment styles involve a fear of abandonment, a desire for closeness and worries about rejection.”

A new study has found evidence that our attachment style interacts with our long-term partner’s attachment style. Although previous studies have shown that people with avoidant or anxious attachment styles are more prone to relationship failure, this study finds that someone with a secure attachment style may act as a ‘buffer’ – in other words, if your partner is avoidant or anxious, and you are secure, your relationship might still be successful.

So, what this new study mean for our own relationships?

About the study

The study was conducted by Sierra D Peters, a doctoral candidate in social psychology at Florida State University, who was interested in exploring whether ‘negative’ attachment styles always lead to negative relationship outcomes.

Peters’s study used data gathered from 539 newly-wed couples over the course of three and a half years and examined how couples with various combinations of attachment styles felt about the success of their relationship over time.

“Although attachment insecurity is associated with poor relationship outcomes like lower satisfaction and an increased likelihood of divorce, our research shows that the synergistic combination of both partners’ attachment insecurities determined the extent to which such effects manifested in a particular relationship,” said Peters to PsyPost. “Specifically, for individuals with higher attachment insecurity, their partner’s attachment security helped buffer both couple members from negative outcomes, at least to some extent.”

In other words, the researchers found that if paired with a secure attachment style, an avoidant or anxious partner might still have a healthy, successful relationship, as their partner’s security acted as a buffer.

Other combinations weren’t so successful. “Combinations involving attachment anxiety in both partners follow[ed] a weak-link pattern and combinations involving attachment avoidance in one partner and attachment avoidance in the other partner follow[ed] a buffering pattern,” Peters said.

Can two avoidant or two anxious attachment styles be together in a relationship?

The study suggests that the combination of two anxious or two avoidant people can have a detrimental impact on the relationship. While a secure attachment style can help as a buffer, with no buffer in place, things can quickly become complicated and even a little toxic.

“When two individuals with avoidant attachment styles are in a relationship, there might be a tendency for emotional distance, avoidance of intimacy and difficulty in forming deep emotional connections,” says Mace. “Similarly, if both partners have anxious attachment styles, the relationship may experience heightened sensitivity to perceived threats, frequent reassurance-seeking behaviours and potential conflict due to fear of abandonment.”

So, purely based on psychology, being with someone who has a different attachment style to you can improve the chances of a strong relationship.

“According to the study, being in a relationship with a partner who has a different attachment style can act as a buffer and potentially improve the chances of relationship success,”she says. “So, it might be beneficial for someone with an avoidant or anxious attachment style to be with a partner who has a healthier attachment style, such as secure attachment.”

Of course, you can’t always chose who you fall in love with. And you yourself might be avoidant or anxious. Mace recommends understanding your own attachment style and your partner’s attachment style so that you can work on communicating fears and needs together. Even if you both share the same attachment style, communication can help you get past any hurdles – without the need of a buffer.

“If you suspect that your partner has an avoidant or anxious attachment style, open communication is key,” she says. “Encourage honest conversations about feelings and needs, express empathy and consider seeking couples therapy to address any underlying issues and improve relationship dynamics.”

Images: Getty