On the surface, 31-year-old Rhiannon* and her fiance, Ryan*, also 31, share all the similarities you’d expect from a couple about to get married. They like the same music, love Mexican food and never argue about what to watch on TV. They’re the perfect match in almost every way. There’s just one crucial difference: Rhiannon is a police officer going from strength to strength in her career, while Ryan works a service job and shows no interest in climbing the ladder. She considers herself “highly ambitious”, but says her partner is “happy to coast through life doing just above the bare minimum”. It’s a mismatch in aspirations that has long been a point of contention in their relationship.

“I just don’t understand his mentality: I’ve watched him turn down multiple promotions because he says he likes his life as it is and doesn’t want the extra pressure of becoming a manager or taking on more responsibility. It not only increases the financial burden on me, but to be honest, it’s a bit of a turnoff,” Rhiannon admits. “I work really hard to push myself in life and I want him to as well. I don’t need him to be a CEO or a super high-flyer, but is it so wrong to want to be with someone who demands more from life than a job that never progresses and a salary that could barely keep us afloat if I lost my job?”

It may sound like a somewhat superficial preoccupation, but it’s one Rhiannon is far from alone in. Beyond social media memes about marrying a man in finance and seeking a ‘high value’ partner, when it comes to choosing a romantic partner, having goals (and, more importantly, the drive to achieve them) has long ranked high on many people’s wishlists. Last year, a large-scale international study on the romantic preferences of more than 10,000 people confirmed that while men generally placed a higher value on traits related to physical attributes – eg having a conventionally attractive body – women prioritised traits associated with earning potential, including financial security, having a good job and levels of ambition. Those who had a strong work ethic and dedication to achieving their goals were viewed as passionate and inspiring by the opposite sex, key attributes that increased their appeal.

It’s a trend that Susie Masterson, a BACP-accredited psychotherapist who specialises in working with couples, has noted among her clients too. “I’ll often hear from people who have found themselves in safe and stable relationships but lack that passion and potential for growth we associate with having high levels of ambition,” she explains. “They tell me that their relationship has stagnated as a result of their partner’s lack of personal development, which causes further fractures that go beyond whether you think they should want more from life.” But as Masterson notes, the desire to be with someone ‘ambitious’ is often about more than just career success and financial reward. “A person’s ambition can be measured in a lot of ways. Having any kind of hunger for life – whether that’s honing a hobby or training for a half marathon or wanting to travel the world – is exciting and appealing, so it’s natural that the absence of that might be frustrating or somewhat unattractive to some people,” she says.

“His lack of goals gave me the ick”: can your relationship really survive an ‘ambition gap’?