On Trolling 

“Last week, Katie Price urged MPs to make trolling a criminal offence – and when you see some of the things people say online, you’d see why this might be a good thing. 

This week I got a message wishing me breast cancer that said, ‘Better get that mammogram early’. It was so bizarrely specific that it went through ‘offensive’ via ‘horrifying’ and came out of the wash as ‘quite funny’. It’s just good medical advice, I guess. If he’d added, ‘Also go for a regular smear test’, I’d have sent him a thank you note.” 

On Awards Shows

“Last weekend was the Baftas and for the first time in 18 years it 
was hosted by a woman, Joanna ‘National Treasure’ Lumley. About time, too. 

Speaking of which, in support of the #TimesUp movement, many guests wore black. I think any gesture that draws attention to the campaign is a good thing, but I can’t help but be grateful that black is the colour of choice – who doesn’t look good in black? I’m with my sisters but if the colour of protest was mustard, I might have to be washing my hair that night…” 

On International Women’s Day

“This is an inspiring day for gender equality, with events bringing women together in a show of strength. ‘But when is International Men’s Day?’ weeps the annual parade of sad men on social media. 

Well, in a perfect metaphor for society, guess what? You’ve already got one. It’s 19 November (on Twitter you’ll find heroic comedian Richard Herring dutifully replying to every man who asks that question). Hey guys, don’t worry. The thing you think we have that you don’t have? You’ve had it for years. Surprise! #feminism.” 

On the Olympics

“I’m a sports idiot – watching it, playing it, making conversation about it – I got nothing. But last week I accidentally switched on the Winter Olympics and before you could say ‘Cool Runnings’ I was hooked. 

I can’t get enough of those frosty athletes. Look at them go! Bobsleigh! Curling! Professional Dancing On Ice! It’s enough to make me strap some skis on and throw myself down a mountain. Almost.” 

Rachel Parris is touring It’s Fun To Pretend from September; rachelparris. com; The Mash Report concludes on BBC2 on Thursday at 10pm.

Images: Rex Features