Our first barselgruppe began at 9am sharp. Norwegian for ‘maternity group’, it’s akin to the popular NCT groups in the UK. The difference is that instead of joining during pregnancy, you meet in the wild-eyed days of navigating life with your newborn. I was a 35-year-old with a six-week-old baby girl, and I was in entirely new terrain – metaphorically and literally. A year and a half earlier, I’d swapped my hometown of London for Oslo, becoming a ‘lovepat’ – someone who moves abroad for love. It was a whirlwind romance, and we were married within a year of meeting. A month later, we made the move to his home country.

It was quite the leap. However, I soon found there were lots of lovepats and, naturally, we banded together. Even though most Norwegians speak English, it takes considerable time and effort to integrate into the culture. The barselgruppe offered support, but as the months went on we moved to a house just outside of the city and group meetings dwindled to a halt. I was struggling to cope with the winters, where temperatures reached as low as -20ºC and life became more insular. Finding light was a struggle.

Learning to support yourself

I knew that finding my inner compass was essential. By that, I mean finding the still, calm, voice inside you that intuitively knows what you need and what is best for you (and your baby). Once you find this, your inner compass is set, and you can navigate through your life.

Of course, this is no mean feat. And you could argue that not being sure what you think or feel and living with chaos and overwhelm is par for the course with motherhood. But relocating your inner compass is more than that. It’s about recognising when you feel you’ve lost your sense of self – the essence of who you are. 

In times of turmoil and transition, we tend to look to the people around us for guidance. But if they don’t know us well enough, or have different values, beliefs and preferences, we can begin to feel untethered. So many mothers feel this way. In fact, in an interview on the Motherkind podcast, Dr Gabor Maté said: “This is the hardest time to be a mother since the Second World War,” adding that this is thanks to so many of us mothering without supportive family structures. In a new country, I knew I had to take on the responsibility of finding that compass myself.

Maybe it was that need that motivated me out of the house one miserable day, post-baby, when a friend invited me to attend a Create Your Vision Board workshop. After I had my daughter, it was rare to take an entire day to myself to do something like that, but I felt an inner tug to go. It was 25 miles away on the island of Nesodden, and it was so miserable and dark (and I had a cold) that I was tempted to blow it off. But somehow, I knew I had to go.

What I found was such a warm, welcoming space amid the harsh winter, where a group of women talked, laughed, did yoga and drank tea before finally making our vision boards. The process was simple: just rip out images from magazines, without thinking too much, and arrange your favourite ones on a giant sheet of paper. The idea is that these images should align with what you want to be, do, have or feel. It’s powerful because our subconscious mind operates in images and metaphors. I’d made vision boards before, but the easy, intuitive process kick-started something in me that had lain dormant for a while: my inner voice.

I realised that my identity outside of motherhood had gone, and I wanted it back. I began to journal and started a blog. Two years later, the seeds of my book, Heart, Sass & Soul: Journal Your Way To Inspiration And Happiness, were born. Becoming a mother in Norway was a rollercoaster ride, and now, back in the UK, I truly appreciate home. 

Finding your way as a new mother

Step 1: journal your heart out

Sit with a notebook and just spill out whatever is swirling in your head, without worrying about spelling, punctuation or grammar. You can even walk and write, stopping periodically to jot down your thoughts. Using your phone is fine too (as long as you’re not getting distracted by emails and apps). This practice gets you into your body, which can help quieten a racing mind.

Step 2: find a creative activity that lights you up

Ask yourself: what am I passionate about? What brings me joy? Watch for when guilt and shame creep in; it’s often the things we think we don’t have time for – things that are frivolous or not productive – that truly light the way.

Step 3: go where you are welcome

If your social circle has dwindled, reach out. Seek out like-hearted people who will welcome you with open arms. Check out companies that host curated events designed specifically to help people make friends; Connected Brighton is one organisation that I’ve enjoyed events by in the past.

Step 4: take a compassionate look at trauma

One side effect of relocating your inner compass is that it can bring up trauma. When you focus on who you truly are, your body remembers the times that it was violated. It helps to remember that trauma lives in the body, and in the nervous system, and is encoded in sensory memories. It’s not logical or rational. So, be kind to yourself. Practices such as TRE (tension, stress and trauma release exercises) can work wonders. This is a simple set of seven exercises that induces the body’s natural shake mechanism to promote peace and wellbeing. Check out Trauma Prevention for more information, and remember to always seek medical help if you’re in acute need.

Baby On The Brain: The Returners is a podcast brought to you by Stylist magazine that’s dedicated to the big life questions you face when you’re a new parent navigating a return to work.  Click here to listen to the latest episodes. 

Images: Getty