“This is what we call a total disaster ladies – I’m going to have to ask you to smell your armpits.”

“So you like show tunes. That doesn’t mean you’re gay. It just means you’re awful.”

“As Madonna once said, 'I'm tough, I'm ambitious and if that makes me a bitch, that's what I am.' Pretty sure she stole that line from Sue Sylvester. No, really. I said it first.”

“Well I may buy a small diaper for your chin, because it looks like a baby’s ass.”

“I am going to create an environment that is so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.”

“You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard.”

“Every year when the photos for the Thunderclap come around I always elect to have a little work done. This year I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using 'em.”

“I’ve never wanted kids... don't have the time, don't have the uterus"

“Look at me – even in the heat of battle, I’m so elegant.”

“I hear people say, 'That's not how I define marriage'. Well, to them I say, 'Love knows no bounds.' Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy is no place in marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling.”

“Face it, you wanna be me. So here’s the deal – you deal with your depressing group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother. Euthanize it.”

“Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.”

“That was the most offensive thing I have seen in twenty years of teaching – and that includes an elementary production of HAIR.”

“You know what – I checked out of this conversation about a minute back, so … good luck with your troubles and I’m going to make it a habit not to stop, and talk to students, because this was a colossal waste of my time.”

“I can’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help picturing small birds, laying sulphurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting.”

“First of all – a female football coach, like a male nurse, is a sin against nature. Number 2 – I’m sure you’re used hill-billy parent yelping adulation at you, as they attempt to impregnate the tail-pipes of various off-road vehicles, but you’re in my house now Biste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.”

“Children must know fear. Without it, they’d try frenching grizzly bears or consider living in Florida.”

“I’m going to go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. Then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your home and then punch you in the face.”

“You’re about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination? HORROR.”

“For me, trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them, but they just keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.”

[Leans in for a kiss with Will Schuster] “You know what? I’m not going to do this. Even your breath stinks of mediocrity. It’s making me sick.”

[Coach Biste] “Anyone sitting here?”

[Coach Sue] “Yes, these seats are currently being occupied by my ghost friends.”

“I’m gonna sue the pants off you Will. I’m gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean seriously – you were more vests than the cast of Blossom.”

“You irritate me William. You make the undersides of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison.”

“You took away my cheerios. Consider this the opening salvo of World War Sue.”