Piers Morgan – otherwise known as the eternal thorn in womankind’s side – has only gone and done it again. Once upon a time, he professed to being friends with Meghan Markle (a frankly horrifying concept which we’re convinced she was entirely unaware of).

Nowadays, though, he’s switched allegiances – ostensibly because she “rudely ghosted” him, but more likely because it’s become fashionable for certain sections of the media to tear down the Duchess of Sussex for no apparent reason.

On Monday (2 September) the Good Morning Britain presenter decided to share his views on Meghan’s complicated relationship with her father Thomas Markle. 

“I would be more sympathetic to Meghan Markle if I hadn’t also had the experience… I fear she has this thing in her when she chops anyone when they become potentially a bit of a problem,” he said, simultaneously attacking her character and commenting on a personal relationship he really knows nothing about. 

These latest comments by Morgan reminded us of one of his most obnoxious moves to date. 

He actually once decided it was a good use of his time to sit down and pen Meghan a 10-point guide on how to become a “popular princess”. Which, rather than text or email to her, he decided to publish in the Mail Online. But of course.

In the piece – which is, as you might expect, a scathing attack on Meghan disguised as “advice on how to handle the media” – Morgan tells Meghan to “stop showing off” her “unimaginable wealth and luxury”, amongst other things.

His 10-point guide, essentially, reads thus:

• Stop bleating about privacy
• Share, don’t suppress, basic information about your life
• Stop showing off
• Don’t take the piss
• Avoid being a hypocrite
• Put your wokeness back to sleep
• Pack in your on-going PR campaign in the US media
• Forego silly tokenism
• Make peace with the Cambridges
• Plant trees, and do your duty

It’s laughable, isn’t it? 

Inspired by Morgan’s decision to offer some unsolicited advice, we here at Stylist decided to do the same.

So, without any further ado, here’s our 10-point guide for Morgan. You’re welcome.

1) Stop bleating about privacy

“Piers: just because you’re desperate for attention, doesn’t mean everyone else is too.” – Meena Alexander, Stylist’s sub-editor.

2) Suppress, don’t share, your entirely irrelevant opinions

“I think I speak for everyone in the UK – maybe the world, actually – when I say that we’re sick of your opinions seeping into our lives like a noxious gas through the crack under a closed and locked door. Take a moment and think to yourself: do I really need to say this? Is it making anyone’s lives better? And, above all else, it coming from a place of empathy and kindness? If the answer to any of the above is ‘no’, then stop typing, for the love of god. The internet doesn’t deserve this toxicity,” – Kayleigh Dray, Stylist’s digital editor.

3) Stop showing off…

“It’s 2019, hun, and no-one’s got time for it. Here’s an idea: why don’t you keep your opinion on Meghan Markle’s outfits – and, in fact, every other part of her life – to yourself and use your influence to bring about a positive change in the world?” – Felicity Thistlethwaite, Stylist’s digital executive editor.

4) Don’t take the piss

“You literally earn a living tearing down men and women who don’t conform to your narrow, patriarchal standards of gender, sexuality and appearance. From Daniel Craig for parenting to Love Island’s Maura for simply having a sexuality, no one is safe. By asking Meghan not to take the piss, you are, quite literally, taking the piss. Stop it.” – Chloe Gray, Stylist’s editorial assistant.

5) Avoid being a hypocrite. Or…

“Avoid saying anything at all, Piers. How about a vow of silence from yourself so that we can all enjoy a nice, calm rest and avoid being screeched at when we turn on the telly?” – Regan Okey, Stylist’s social media manager.

6) Put your pitiful attempts at ‘speaking like a millennial’ to sleep

“Put your ‘wokeness’ back to sleep? Put your ‘wokeness’ back to sleep? I’m not even sure this sentence makes any actual sense. Meghan is making history as she moves the royal family into the 21st century, uses her platform to support women’s rights and provides an incredible example as the first woman of colour in the British monarchy. Buy a dictionary, mate.” – Megan Murray, Stylist’s digital writer.

7) Pack in your on-going PR campaign in the US media

“A bit rich considering you’re preternaturally obsessed with the country and your alliance with Donald Trump. Although it would explain why you’re hell-bent on telling Meghan Markle to ‘go back to America.’ Jealous much?” – Christobel Hastings, Stylist’s US contributor

8) Forgo silly, ill-considered advice

“‘Turn up, shake hands, smile, empathise and listen’ – any plans on doing that yourself? I doubt Meghan needs lessons in empathy from a click-bait antagonist.” – Emily Badiozzaman, Stylist’s head of digital content.

9) Make peace with womankind

“Just a head’s up – we all know that when you comment on Meghan Markle, it’s just another way to moan about women. Which, as a pastime, is pretty weird. Listening to you go on and on and on about the opposite sex isn’t just annoying, it’s worse: it’s really, really boring. Please just start treating women like actual human beings. It isn’t hard.” – Kat Poole, editor of Stylist Loves

10) Do your duty, and use your strange talent for good

“I interviewed Piers many years ago. Guess what? He was genuinely great. That man talks in pull quotes. Literally every neat sentence that came out of his mouth could have been a headline. Somewhere along the line he’s realised that this strange ability of his gets even more traction if those headlines are negative, mean, spiteful. I don’t believe for one second that really believes any of the utter rubbish he spouts; it just keeps him in a job.

“Now just imagine if he put his strange talent to good use, switched sides from comedy villain to pantomime hero and got headlines by being nice, kind, useful. Granted those headlines take a little more work, meaning he’d actually have to use his brain, think a little more, exercise that grey matter. So think of suggestion number 10 as good for your health.” – Alix Walker, Stylist’s editor-at-large. 

So, to summarise, Morgan: how about you keep your moaning mouth shut – and try, even though it goes against every fibre of your being, to be marginally less of a dick. 

If you do, we’ve no doubt “the respect will come”. Good luck!

Image: Getty