It’s no secret that having a baby changes the way you think, and I’m not just talking about the sleep deprivation that led me to put the tin opener in the fridge. A study in the US found that the brains of women who had given birth underwent “significant brain remodelling” for up to two years, stating that “preliminary evidence” indicates that this remodelling may play a role in “helping women transition into motherhood”. 

When you weave the aforementioned lack of sleep, the huge responsibility of keeping something alive and absolutely no routine at all into this conversation, it will come as no surprise to read that new mothers and mums returning to work often struggle with their identity. A quick google brings up a plethora of popular queries, including: “motherhood identity crisis”, “rediscovering yourself after motherhood” and “how many women question their identity after having a baby?”

I had a baby back in May 2021; I floated into motherhood blissfully unaware of any brain changes that were ahead, and I was barely aware of any hormonal changes that were on the horizon (ignorance *is* bliss, it turns out). But in hindsight, what I really, truly wasn’t expecting was to be questioning who I was – the very fibre of my identity – two years later. 

I returned to work after 10 months of hard maternity leave. It didn’t come naturally to me. I found myself pining for the routine and validation of work, jealous of my partner who swanned off to London once a week to work in the office and drink beer with friends as 5.30pm struck. So, as you might imagine, I was quite excited to go back to work. 

After treating myself to some new knitwear (it was March, after all), I made a military-style plan to drop off the baby at nursery, get back in time to wash and dry my hair, and dust off my laptop for the first production meeting in my diary. It felt great. I was literally buzzing to be back among a group of familiar faces, in a place where I knew what was needed and how to do my job without anyone screaming at me for milk, or having done a poo so explosive it required a full outfit change for both of us. 

But as time went on, I found it really hard to discover who I was in a world that had moved on so much in just 10 months. New programmes, new processes, and even a boring new email system frustrated me. It felt like everything had changed.

What I realise now, nearly 18 months after returning to work, is that I had changed. I was different and denying it, trying to hoof my size four foot into the size two glass slipper I used to wear in 2021. 

For Stylist’s Baby On The Brain podcast, I talked to fellow podcaster Leisa Millar and psychotherapist and bestselling author Anna Mathur about their experiences of identity after having a baby and returning to work.

Talking about her own return to work, Anna said: “I love my job… I think sometimes we need to challenge the image of motherhood that we have in our mind. I always thought because my mum worked throughout my childhood that there was no financial question about it, she simply had to. When I’m a mum, I thought, I’m going to be a stay-at-home mum if I’m able to. I’m going to love it. I’m going to cook everything from scratch. And I must admit, 10 months in, I was questioning everything about myself. What is wrong with me, I thought. I’m not enjoying this version of motherhood… and I am a bit bored. 

“My creative brain felt quite dulled: I’m obsessing over naps and routines, and writing down all these timings because my creative brain isn’t putting the thought into the things that I love thinking about. And I remember suddenly thinking: what is missing? What is wrong with me? This is everything I wanted. 

“I realised that what was missing was my job, so I went back to work. Yes, it was harder. Yes, the logistics were tricky, but it gave me something back of myself. And I think sometimes it’s just asking yourself: what is it that you miss?”

Listen to the episode in full here. 

Baby On The Brain – a Stylist podcast about the challenges of pregnancy and parenting – is back for a second series. As many of you will know, the first series was about pregnancy and how that changes every part of a woman’s life – even in the smallest ways. This second series is about returning to work after maternity leave.

This episode is all about identity. Stylist’s Felicity Thistlethwaite, her co-host Leisa Millar and their guest Anna Mathur discuss identity in women after having a baby, the challenges they faced returning to work and how they worked through it all. 

Raising a Happier Mother by Anna Mathur is available now, and there are six episodes of Leisa Millars’ The SEN Mum’s Career Club available to download and listen to here.

Images: Getty