Every time I hear Taylor Swift sing the line “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me,” in her song Anti-Hero, I shudder. Why? Because sometimes I wonder if indeed, yes, I am the problem in the situations of my life.

Is it my neurosis? My inability to multitask? My need to ask every DJ to play Travellin’ Soldier even though it is one of the most depressing songs on earth? Is it me, Jesus? Am I the drama?

As a society, we are very quick to plant red flags on top of other people’s heads. They are the warning signs that someone is unhealthy, manipulative, cruel or a downright dodgy character, like someone out of Oliver Twist.

It’s one of the most common markers we use when it comes to dating. If a flag has a stain of red, we run. Obviously, it’s for a good reason. It’s a form of protectionism. It prevents us from getting hurt or entering situations that are dangerous. However, like many terms we have adopted over the years, we have become flippant about their use. Everything is a red flag in the eyes of Gen Z and millennials.

Brown suit shoes on a man who is wearing jeans? Red flag.

He doesn’t like sauces? Red flag.

Him thinking the 2019 film adaption of Cats was quite enjoyable? Absolute red flag.

Yet, as we consistently trample on the red flags of others, are we forgetting to look at ourselves? It is a deep fear that now haunts me every time I hear Taylor lilting while driving my car.

So, I went and asked the experts to find out if we are simply changing the colours of our own flags in exchange for peace of mind. 

Mindset and development coach Toni Daly tells Stylist that our redness can be easy to miss. “In my professional opinion, it’s easy to pass over red flags in ourselves because we are so busy getting on with things that we do not always stop and consider the behaviours we are acting out,” she says. “We can be subconscious in the way we behave. Most of us get up each day and live life without ever analysing the way we are acting.”

Heather Watson, a self-development coach, agrees. “Everyone easily picks up on other people’s behaviours and they are putting the onus outside of themselves,” she adds. “This means they miss out on what is going on within and don’t get to notice any red flags they have cropping up, even when it happens over and over again.”

Both experts acknowledge that red flags mean different things to different people. Your definition could be disparate from another and this can impact the relationships you have.

“A red flag in yourself could just be an automatic response to your environment and these things may not happen regularly,” Daly says.

“For example, someone may cancel a meet-up and you unconsciously make them feel guilty about it. This could be a red flag for some people, yet you haven’t thought about even doing it in the first place.”

In a perfect world, we would all recognise our own faults but truthfully, this will never happen.

“We would all be healthier in general if we were to recognise our own issues,” Watson adds. “It would benefit us to go within. People would be less stressed, less anxious and more likely to live a fulfilled life because they could see what may be causing things to go wrong. But it’s hard, and working on yourself is never easy.”

Despite this, if you do worry about the colour of your flags, there are steps you can take to check in and prevent permanent pigmentation.

“Get yourself a pen and paper and write down three things you feel may be coming up as red flags within yourself,” Watson advises. “Don’t overcomplicate it; concentrate on what you’d like to acknowledge and work through each day. The trick here is to not overwhelm yourself and to not set yourself up for disappointment or self-sabotage.

“It may take time to work through them but keep them on your list until you feel you have worked through them and reflected upon these traits.”

Daly also recommends the list method and says patience and understanding what you can control will aid you in this step. “Sometimes you just need a day,” she muses. “It doesn’t always have to be a good day. You need to wake up, make sure you are fed and watered and then sort of parent yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself through this process. Sometimes getting through the day itself is underestimated. In actuality, you have looked after yourself and that’s so crucial

“Listen and take note of how you think, behave and live each and every day. Being aware of your red flags and deciding if there is something you’d like to change is a big step. And sometimes, just having an awareness of them is enough at the beginning.”

So, maybe Taylor was right. Maybe there’s a good chance that, on some occasions, I have been the problem.  Maybe we all have been. If this is true, making a list and self-reflecting can only be a good thing. And maybe next time, when I hear the dulcet tones of Taylor on the airwaves, I’ll stop the shuddering. 

Main image: Getty