Everyone’s a winner, baby, at the Oscars and that’s no lie.

Sure, only one celebrity in the each of the four acting categories will be going home with a littel gold man on Monday morning. But every single nominee in those categories will be given a goodie bag bulging with swag valued at six figures to take home from the ceremony. 

Every year, the random collection of gifts that make up this bag boggles the mind and beggars belief. Five-star holidays? Mega-bucks diamonds? Cosmetic surgery? You name it, Oscar nominees have received it.

But the 2019 goodie bag has outdone even the most outlandish of estimations, filled as it is with a truly bizarre array of products, all of which will soon be in the hands of Olivia Colman, Rachel Weisz, Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper and more. We’re talking everything from cruise ship holidays around Iceland, absinthe to fancy mouthwash and a subscription to the Wall Street Journal magazine.

Forthwith, here are a few of our favourites: 

Private phobia relief sessions with the world’s number one phobia expert Kalliope Barlis

Amy Adams is afraid of flying and Emma Stone fears the march towards the inevitability of death. But all that could be in the past thanks to the Oscars goodie bag, which contains a one-on-one session with the world’s leading phobia expert Kalliope Barlis.

Using techniques of visulation and mindfulness, Barlis helps her clients overcome their anxieties so that they can move forward with their lives and goals. Not that Adams and Stone need much help in that department, phobias notwithstanding. 

A week at the Golden Door luxury wellness resort

There are wellness resorts and there are wellness resorts, and this is the latter.

Golden Door opened its doors in 1958 as the first ‘destination’ spa resort in the US, a home away from home for some of Hollywood’s biggest names including Jane Fonda, Barbra Streisand, Elizabeth Taylor, Oprah and Martha Stewart.

A weeklong stay will set you back $10,000 (£7,705), but nominees including Rami Malek and Christian Bale will be able to attend for free courtesy of their Oscars goodie bags. Namaste.

An annual VIP membership to MOTA, Los Angeles’ first cannabis-friendly social club

There are a number of cannabis and CBD-flavoured items in this year’s goodie bag, including CBD-infused chocolate, edibles, moisturiser and other beauty products.

But the ne plus ultra of cannabis-adjacent gifts bestowed upon Oscar nominees is a year-long membership to MOTA, a high-end club for cannabis smokers based out of Los Angeles’ trendy Silver lake neighbourhood. Founded by two brothers with business backgrounds, MOTA is both a dispensary for luxury cannabis goods and a club for like-minded users. 

Mister Poop emoji toilet plunger 

There’s only one thing missing from Mahershala Ali and Regina King’s home, and it isn’t an Oscar. It’s the Mister Poop emoji toilet plunger.

This item does exactly what it says on the tin. It is is a toilet plunger in the shape of the poop emoji. It also, somewhat disconcertingly glows in the dark: “Because I’m not only functional, I’m also FUN!”

The makers of the Mister Poop emoji toilet plunger believe that leaving one in the guest bathroom will make you the envy of all your friends, and that it makes the perfect gift for a newlywed couple. Slightly weird flex there, but OK. 

One-of-a-kind custom stained glass portraits from Artist John Thoman

The point of the Oscars goodie bag is to give nominees the experiences that money simply cannot buy like, say, a bespoke portrait of themselves by stained glass artist John Thoman.

Thoman’s past works have included stained glass renditions of Steve Harvey, Dr Drew and Fat Tony from The Simpsons. 

We are delirious with anticipation to see Thoman’s stained glass portraits of Glenn Close, Melissa McCarthy, or, indeed, Richard E Grant. Here’s hoping that when Grant sits for his portrait, he will live-stream the whole thing on Instagram. 

Images: Getty