If we were to ask what the most important sense is, many of us would choose sight. But hearing is one of our earliest and most vital senses. Babies are born with fully developed hearing – unlike their vision, which takes a while to form – and we’ve all heard stories about our mums playing music or talking to us in the womb.

Sound is a crucial way for us to connect with the world around us. In evolutionary terms, hearing was vital for our hunter-gatherer ancestors to hunt and find prey, while nowadays, it’s an important tool for us to communicate with others. But, as anyone who has ever felt ignored by someone will tell you, hearing and really listening are quite different. 

“Listening is one of our most valuable human skills,” says coach Marilyn Devonish, “and is a gift we can easily give to another person.”

What are the different listening styles? 

We all know people who don’t really listen to us. You know the ones – they’re just waiting until we’re finished speaking (or sometimes they don’t even do this) so they can talk. But it turns out there could be up to seven different listening styles, and they’re all useful in different scenarios.

It makes sense that you’d listen to your boss slightly differently to your mates in the pub, as coach and hypnotherapist Sally Potter explains: “The way we listen changes in different situations and depending on who/what we are listening to, and why we are listening.”

But what are the other styles, and why are they important? 

Active listening

Active listening is possibly the most well-known form of listening, and also the one that we all strive to achieve.

“Active listening is when we are fully engaged in the act of listening to what someone is saying,” says Potter. “We may listen and also be looking, for example, observing body language and facial expressions.”

Sometimes referred to as sensory listening because we have to engage all our senses, active listening involves verbal and non-verbal cues such as nodding your head or perhaps giving words of encouragement.

“Active listening takes you beyond the words,” says Devonish. “You are listening to form a complete picture of what’s being said, and you’re using all your senses to create a dynamic experience. Can you picture what the person is saying? How does it make you feel? What sounds or additional questions come to mind? What other ideas does it spark or cause you to think of?”

Reflective listening

Another useful approach is reflective listening – and this is a form of active listening.

“Reflective listening can take active listening to another level,” says Devonish, “because you have to be listening and engaged in order to reflect on and verbalise what you have heard.”

This is particularly useful when people are seeking advice or reassurance, and can help us to deeply understand what someone is trying to communicate to us – a valuable skill indeed. 

Informational or critical listening

This type of listening might be something you do instinctively in a work environment (a meeting or an interview, for example).

“Critical listening is where you listen not to criticise, which is what the phrase might suggest, but instead to evaluate, analyse and question what has been said,” explains Devonish. “When executed well, it is a useful form of problem-solving.”

It can also be used to elicit more information from the speaker and assess things such as suitability for a job, for example. 

Biased or distorted listening

Hands up if some people seem to irritate you, no matter what they say? You could be tuning into your biased or distorted listening skills.

“Distorted listening is where we hear what we want to hear, based upon our judgements, values, filters or sphere of knowledge,” says Devonish. “You’re also likely to dismiss any information which is contrary to what you currently believe. For example, if there’s someone you dislike, you might immediately dismiss comments which show them in a good light or distort the facts to put a negative spin on their good deeds.”

Closed listening

Closed or defensive listening is where you’re not really listening at all, and it’s closely related to distorted listening.

“With closed listening, you’re actually just waiting to get your next point across, irrespective of what the other party has said to you,” explains Devonish. “Seen in the initial stages of mediation or conflict resolution work, this type of listening is often preceded by the words ‘yes, but’. Neurologically, the ‘but’ tends to cancel out whatever has been said in the first place.”

Distracted listening

Here’s one for all the busy parents: your child knows you’re not really listening if you’re mumbling “uh-huh” while busying doing something else (no judgment here – we’ve all done this).

“This kind of distracted listening is also the way we sometimes listen to people speaking. Perhaps we’re engaged in another activity or just not that interested!” says Devonish. “In this case, we won’t hear everything that’s said and may miss meaning or even important information. For the person speaking, this can make them feel undervalued, misunderstood or plain ignored.”

Empathetic listening

The direct opposite to closed and distracted types of listening, empathetic listening is often used when we’re chatting to friends or loved ones.

“We may listen more empathetically to friends when they’re telling us their worries,” says Potter. “This way, we can access the feelings and emotions that are being expressed and respond in a way that lets them know we understand or want to share the problem. This type of listening may also be used in types of therapy where it helps create a feeling of security.”

Images: Getty