“You’re doing it again,” my partner tells me. 

We’re on the sofa, mid-conversation about our respective days at work, and I’ve absentmindedly picked up my phone and opened Instagram. I should state for the record that I don’t generally consider myself to be a rude person. I pride myself on being an attentive partner, a good friend and an engaged listener, so this nasty habit I’ve picked up of snubbing the human being in front of me for my device isn’t one that fills me with joy, by any means. I hate that I do it, but despite my best efforts, it’s something that is proving somewhat difficult to quit.

First coined as a term back in 2012 by an Australian advertising agency to describe the growing phenomenon of ignoring the people right in front of us to scroll through our phones, ‘phubbing’ (aka phone snubbing) is now something that most of us do without even realising. We flick through TikTok, scroll our calendars and reply to messages all while engaging in an IRL interaction, leaving the other party feeling ignored and irritated. 

When the average person spends 3 hours 23 minutes on their phone every day – equivalent to around 50 days a year – it’s no surprise that these digital interactions risk overtaking our real ones. One study found that more than 17% of people phub others at least four times a day. Almost 32% of people report also being phubbed two to three times a day. But it’s not just an annoying habit to be on the receiving end of; it can be extremely damaging to our closest relationships. Researchers say that phubbing is a threat to four “fundamental needs”: belongingness, self-esteem, meaningful existence and control, leading to feelings of disconnect, isolation and disrespect.

Knowing all of this doesn’t make it any easier to quit phubbing, though.

Not only is there more content than ever at our fingertips for us to consume, but the lines between regular apps and social media are becoming increasingly blurred. TikTok is the fastest-growing news source for UK adults. BeReal demands us to share exactly what we’re doing at precise moments in the day. Strava and Apple Health let you share your exercise, but also track your friends’ movements and give them ‘kudos’. This hyper-connectedness is hard to tune out of, even when the prospect of human interaction is right in front of you.

It’s often not as simple as not going on your phone. So where should you start?

“If you’re concerned you may be a phubber, think long and hard about how you use your phone around others,” writes Yeslam Al-Saggaf, author of The Psychology Of Phubbing. “If you catch yourself phubbing, stop and make a commitment to avoid it in the future.”

Start by understanding why you do it

Acknowledging a problem or weakness is always the first step to fixing it, so take some time to consider why you phub your friends and family. Do you have people in your life (a boss, family member or partner) that expect you to respond instantly and whom you should set better boundaries with? Is your phubbing habit a way to cope with social anxiety or a fear of awkward silences when socialising IRL? Is your FOMO getting the better of you and tempting you to check the timeline when you’re out and about?

Whatever the reason, once you have a better understanding of the root cause of the problem, you’ll be able to take more informed action against it. 

Make ‘Do Not Disturb’ your best friend

The constant pinging of notifications isn’t just distracting; it also adds to the temptation to pick up your device for a quick look just in case. Instead of just putting your phone in your bag or face down on the table, couple this with silent mode or Do Not Disturb to curb any itches.

Set strict time slots – and stick to them

Most people would agree that meals are a time when you are there to listen and communicate, so it’s important to set boundaries around using your phone at those key times to try and reduce your dependency. For an hour over your lunch break, engage in alternatives to scrolling, such as a walk with a colleague or kitchen chat that keeps your social muscles exercised. Even if you’re eating alone, you can still practise by making it a device-free zone.

Communicate before you phub

If you’re spending time with someone and absolutely must phub them, try to do it as considerately as possible. Saying things like, “Sorry, I have to quickly check this/send this text,” or “This is urgent, can you give me a minute?” can go a long way in reducing the effect of phubbing and making them feel less rejected by your distraction. 

Images: Getty