We all have a need to belong – here’s why, and 7 ways to foster connection

women hugging international womens day

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Life


We all have a need to belong – here’s why, and 7 ways to foster connection

By Joy Ubani

11 months ago

7 min read

To mark International Women’s Day, which this year has a theme of ‘inspire inclusion’, Joy Ubani, the founder and host of Pivot & Thrive, shares a guide for building a deeper sense of belonging through friendship, community and embracing individuality. 


As I got ready to meet up with my friends for dinner, I noticed something odd: butterflies in my stomach. The night was supposed to be a chance to catch up, to pore over what mattered and laugh at what didn’t, to let loose without the pressures of striving to fit in. It was meant to be our chance to belong. 

But something wasn’t right. I’d had a suspicion that I had been growing distant from my friendship group and this sense of unease confirmed that. But while I recognised that I was now struggling to relate to my friends, I wasn’t ready to let them go. I wanted, desperately, to continue to fit in. 

We are taught to crave belonging from our early years. In school, we were required to form groups for projects, compete to be selected for a revered sports team or encouraged to race out of the classroom to meet our favourite clique for outside play. And the older we get, and the more seasoned in our careers, we are positively reinforced to prove our connections to people and affiliations with organisations that give us a strong sense of importance. We spend so much of our lives chasing after our craving for connection and inclusion to something meaningful, deeply contrasting with our individualistic culture. 

While belonging has become a social requirement that can make us feel empty without it or embarrassed to pursue it, our need to be a part of something meaningful is an innate human desire, stemming from our need for fulfilment and self-actualisation. Essentially, our environment has conditioned us to want to belong. But rather than embracing this innate need, we so often sink into shame when we realise that although ‘loving your own company’ is admired and celebrated, not feeling included quietly diminishes our sense of worth. 

We all need to belong

Belonging plays a vital role in our overall psychological development and wellbeing. So much so that psychologist Abraham Maslow ranks belonging as the third of five quintessential human needs. Why? Because belonging anchors us in community, individuality and purpose. Belonging has the power to validate who we tell ourselves we are and how we hope for others to see us. Someone we have a deep connection with can affirm who we are. And because that affirmation activates our dopamine and feels reinforcing, we crave it often. Our desire for belonging tells our brain that in order to feel fulfilled and operate in our purpose, we must first satisfy this craving. Yet, in moments when we feel distant, we are often left to battle between pretending (that we’re doing fine without community), participating (in engagements that are not congruent with who we are) or pursuing belonging elsewhere. When we refuse to confront our desperation for belonging, we choose instead to settle into isolation and risk unintentionally discouraging others from embracing our authenticity.

That night, I muffled my doubts, silenced the overwhelming flutters in my belly, and rushed to meet my friends for dinner. I felt removed from the conversations, my mind itching to find a fitting part of their stories to interject a convincing ‘Me too!’ of my own. I wanted to participate in the meaningful sighs and affirming ‘ahhs’ that felt like a membership induction into my group of girlfriends. But instead, I found myself embarrassed at my inability to connect.

Even though we all clinked our glasses together to toast to our friendship, it was hard to shake the feeling that the matching cocktails in front of each of us felt like my only line of connection. Having recently been made redundant and new to a world of sudden entrepreneurship, I was in a new phase of life – one that made me struggle to believe I still belonged here. In that moment, I realised just how deeply I feel that need to belong. 

Perhaps you, too, have felt that desperate longing. When does it come up for you? Does it arrive in moments when you’re surrounded by others? Or do you feel this craving in times of isolation? Know that you’re not alone in this. Our human nature amplifies our need for inclusion and intimacy with others, and our need for fulfilment relies heavily on this.

But how do we start to get the sense of belonging and inclusion we crave? Here are seven steps to take. 

Deepen self-awareness

A successful pursuit of belonging calls for a deepened sense of self-awareness. This involves a commitment to self-discovery, recognition of personal values and an understanding of the impact of past experiences on our identity. Self-awareness acts as a compass, guiding us to ensure our actions, choices and connections are congruent with our authentic selves. It enables a more genuine and intentional engagement with others, fostering connections that are rooted in a deep understanding of self and a reciprocal appreciation for the uniqueness of others. Through self-awareness, we gain clarity on our needs, desires and boundaries, paving the way for more connections. So, give yourself permission to spend time with yourself. 

Friends drinking coffee

Credit: Getty

Embrace individuality

In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes that “true belonging never asks us to change who we are”. When we really belong, we don’t have to pretend. Once we’ve settled into self-awareness, we can ask ourselves the hard question: “Do I change who I am to feel included or accepted? Or am I showing up as who I am?” Belonging requires a commitment to honouring ourselves in spite of our ongoing desire to be a part of something meaningful. It’s our sole responsibility to make ourselves feel at home within ourselves and cultivate an air of constant hospitality at every stage, version or season of our lives. Are you consistently offering yourself the same warmth and kindness you’d show others? Belonging requires us to begin the work of graciously becoming and embracing ourselves. 

Accept others

While belonging calls for a deepened sense of self-awareness, inclusion calls for radical acceptance of others. The double-edged sword of connection to something meaningful only works if we accept the responsibility of creating an environment where others feel welcomed, heard and valued. Radical acceptance of others requires a release of preconceived biases and a readiness to embrace the inner remarkability of others. When was the last time you eagerly embraced a person or idea that was different from your norm?

Build supportive friendships (especially when you’re evolving)

While the onus is on us to accept others, it’s important to understand the value of supportive friendships. We do this by leaning into transparency, practising the not-to-be-forgotten art of vulnerability and honestly sharing the impact of our life experiences. We can be most supported when our friends know what we’re truly experiencing. Grab on to the opportunity to share your heartaches and joys, even if you think your community may not understand. There’s no support without radical honesty and profound trust. In nurturing relationships with others, we lay the foundation for healthy expectations and deepened empathy for others, even when we are evolving.

Two friends talking over hot drinks

Credit: Getty

Recognise and address isolation

If you’ve ever noticed a friend or community member pulling away, consistently declining invitations or becoming increasingly disengaged, you can apply grace in being their line of connection. Maybe you need to apply that same grace to yourself. Are you struggling to maintain friendships you care about or have you recognised that in your evolution certain relationships are kept alive simply due to longevity? 

Participate in community intiatives

Through collaborative endeavours, we contribute to something larger than ourselves, reinforcing our place within a supportive community. This active involvement not only enhances our connection to the community but also reinforces our commitment to shared values, creating a more profound and meaningful sense of belonging. Where in your community can you plug yourself in? 

Stay curious

When we consistently ask ourselves hard questions and require depth from people around us, we may recognise that the person we were at day one is not the person we are at day 100. Staying curious allows us to explore the evolving facets of our identity and the dynamic nature of the world around us.

When we remain curious about who we are becoming, we acknowledge that belonging and inclusion is a continuous journey. Each day brings new experiences, lessons and insights that contribute to our need to connect to something we consider meaningful.

Curiosity invites us to reflect on our values, beliefs and aspirations and serves as a gracious reminder that we can belong anywhere, as long as we are true to ourselves. A desire for inclusion is the catalyst for finding true fulfilment.

Images: Getty

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