“I’m so sorry!” trips easily off the tongue for the most part, especially when we have no reason to be sorry at all. Many of us are serial over-apologisers and studies show that women, in particular, say sorry more frequently – so why is it that when we really have done something wrong and need to apologise, sorry seems to be the hardest word?

We all make mistakes, and learning how to say sorry properly is a vital life skill. With this in mind, we’ve put together some tips for the perfect apology.

From summoning up the courage to admit we’re wrong to making sure we’re sincere and remorseful, consider this your essential guide to saying sorry. 

Consider why you’re apologising 

The next time you say sorry to someone, think about why you’re apologising. Have you done something wrong or are you apologising out of social nicety? If it’s the latter, you’re making it harder for us all to say sorry properly.

“The first thing I talk about when addressing apologising is the idea that we often apologise for things that aren’t our fault,” says psychotherapist Roxy Rhodes. “Because we say sorry so much, its impact is diluted and tends to have much less gravitas when we really do need to say it.

“Traffic making us late, walking along the pavement and someone crashing into us, saying we’re just about to make a round of cuppas in the office then getting sucked into replying to an important email – these aren’t things to apologise for! Apologising for ‘being’ is such a typical trait – especially for women.”

Sidenote: if you’re late because you overslept, that is your fault, and you should apologise. But what if you’re not really in the wrong but have still had a negative impact on someone else’s day? It can feel rude to just say nothing at all.

“A simple thank you is so much more impactful in these situations than saying sorry,” advises Rhodes. “Thank you for waiting for me, thank you for making me a drink. It might not fit if someone crashes into us, but then a simple ‘Whoops!’ would suffice.”

If you can reduce the number of times the word sorry crosses your lips, you’ll find it carries more weight when you do say it. 

Why is saying sorry so hard? 

There are few things in life that feel more uncomfortable than approaching someone you’ve wronged. Just thinking about it is enough to make us feel a bit sick, and often we’re guilty of being defensive and twisting the situation so we don’t look quite so bad.

Some people even go as far as ghosting to avoid having to apologise, but why is it so difficult?

“Saying sorry is a real strength,” says Rhodes. “It goes hand in hand with being able to admit you made a mistake, and that’s the bit people don’t tend to like doing. We buy into our ego, believing that we shouldn’t make mistakes and that we should be better than that. If we decide to believe that, then a proper apology stings.”

So, the first step is to swallow your pride and admit that you’re in the wrong. If you’re finding this tricky to get your head around, remember – you’re not alone.

“We all make mistakes from time to time and perhaps say or do things we aren’t proud of,” says confidence coach Jenna O’Keefe. “It’s always best to apologise from a place of ‘emotional neutrality’, so give yourself some time to prepare and practise what you would like to communicate to the other person.”

An apology requires genuine remorse

It’s no good just going through the motions – you have to really believe and accept that you’re in the wrong in order to make a meaningful and heartfelt apology.

“A real sorry comes from a genuine admittance that you were wrong or that you hurt someone,” says Rhodes. “There are a few aspects to a decent apology, starting with you recognising the need to say sorry. Reflect on the situation and assess whether your actions or words have caused harm, hurt or offence to someone else. A sincere, real apology is more likely to be well-received.” 

Apologise promptly

It’s fine to take a moment to think about what you’ve done and what you’re going to say to someone, but don’t leave it too long.

“It’s generally best to apologise as soon as you realise that you have done something wrong,” says Rhodes. “Delaying an apology can allow negative feelings to fester and damage the relationship further.”

Choose the right setting

While it might feel excruciating, apologies are often best done in person or through a real conversation, advises Rhodes. “However, if meeting in person is not possible, a phone call or, less effectively, a written apology (such as a letter or email) can also be appropriate depending on the circumstances. Consider the nature of the relationship and the severity of the situation when deciding the best approach.”

Take responsibility for your actions 

Rather than simply spouting empty words, make sure you take responsibility for your actions, express remorse and show that you understand the impact of your behaviour on the other person.

And when you’ve plucked up the courage to admit you’re in the wrong, don’t ruin it by following it with a ‘but’.

“Using ‘but’ straight after an apology discredits everything you’ve just said,” O’Keefe agrees. Don’t make excuses for your behaviour or try to shift the blame.

Offer to make amends and learn from your mistakes

The trifecta of a great apology is showing remorse, making amends and changing your behaviour. Consider how you’d teach a child to apologise and you’re probably along the right lines.

“Depending on the situation, it may be appropriate to offer a solution or to make amends for your actions,” agrees Rhodes. “Ask the other person what you can do to repair the relationship or address any damage caused. Then, be willing to listen and understand their perspective.”

And remember: apologies are most meaningful when they are accompanied by a commitment to change. “Reflect on the situation, understand why your actions were hurtful and take steps to prevent similar incidents in the future,” says Rhodes. “Show through your actions that you are actively working on personal growth.”

Images: Getty