Selfishness is universally accepted to be a pretty bad thing, right? It’s certainly a quality that seems to have developed negative connotations: consider the idea of selfishness and words like ‘greedy’, ‘self-centred’ and ‘egotistical’ will probably spring into your head unprompted.

“There’s loads of research out there that as human beings, we’re all inherently selfish,” says psychologist Wendy Dignan. “That’s an evolutionary need to be safe and secure and protect ourselves. However, social norms dictate that we behave in the opposite way, in a very selfless way – that we should behave in a way where we’re giving and caring, and often in a way that compromises ourselves as individuals. So we get stuck between the human mode of self-protection, which is our evolutionary drive, and the societal requirement to be selfless.”

When we look at selfishness from another angle, though, a different picture emerges: what if not all forms of this behaviour are bad, and what if developing a ‘healthy’ form of selfishness could transform our lives for the better? The psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman has defined healthy selfishness as “having a healthy respect for your own health, growth, happiness, joy and freedom”. Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?

According to Kaufman, this form of selfishness is all about putting boundaries in place so that you can focus on your own needs, but in a way that will help other people too. By saying no to some social events that might leave you feeling drained and grumpy, for example, you are reserving your social battery for those closest to you, meaning that the time you’ll spend with them will be more valuable. 

Kaufman has developed a ‘healthy selfishness scale’ to measure these behaviours, which includes statements like “I have a healthy dose of self-respect and don’t let people take advantage of me,” “I balance my own needs with the needs of others,” and “Even though I give a lot to others, I know when to recharge.”

In his research, he found that healthy selfishness is positively linked to a sense of self-competence (the perception that we are achieving our goals), but not to ‘hubristic pride’, the type of pride driven by feelings of arrogance and conceit. Similarly, healthy selfishness correlated negatively with behaviours like vulnerable narcissism (which is often characterised by hyper-sensitivity to rejection) and toxic altruism (helping others for self-interested reasons, rather than for more genuine motives).

So, how can we embrace selfishness in our lives in a balanced, positive way – especially if we’re already prone to people-pleasing as a default? First of all, Dignan says, start off by reminding yourself: “Setting boundaries isn’t selfish – it actually helps people to understand more about you and what you want.”

“Boundaries are not about controlling others or not being there for others,” adds Smriti Joshi, lead psychologist at mental health support app Wysa. “[They are] to remind oneself of what you can do at any point in time for someone else, or at work or at home, without impacting something else you want to prioritise, at the cost of your own health or other needs.” 

The benefits, she says, are huge: by conserving your “time, energy [and] space – mental and physical”, you’re likely to “enjoy an enhanced sense of self-worth as well as nurture healthy relationships. We have a finite resource of energy and enthusiasm, and need to focus on priorities that nourish you and allow you to be the best you can be.” Music to our ears.

Try thinking carefully about what you need and what you want, Joshi recommends, as this will help you home in on “what nourishes you and your wellbeing, rather than detracts from it”. That might mean writing down your main priorities right now or considering the people whose company adds most to your emotional wellbeing: how can you make time to focus on these parts of your life or these relationships, and what might you need to sideline in order to create that space?

It’s also worth considering “what price you are willing to pay” if you don’t set a boundary, says psychotherapist Desirée Silverstone. “It may be that it would be harmful to yourself financially, physically or psychologically. What is seen as harmful is unique to each of us.” 

Specificity is the key here. If you make grand but vague plans for a better work-life balance, you’re unlikely to pull them off; similarly, Joshi says, being too inflexible can be detrimental. “Too rigid [boundaries] might mean you are detached or avoid close relationships and can be isolating,” she says. “Setting good boundaries [for work] might be about designating times when you’re available or or setting topics you’re happy to speak about or the frequency of conversations.”

A big part of embracing healthy selfishness is realising that it’s only you that can prioritise your own life – nobody else will do it for you, Dignan says. “[It’s] only you that can prioritise the times and occasions when you say no.” By doing that, “you can actually have more time to say ‘yes’ when you feel it’s more important”. 

Images: Getty