Today, Goop and Gwyneth Paltrow bring you good tidings of comfort and joy, with the release of their annual Christmas gift guide.

The holiday season only truly begins when the actress and lifestyle guru details exactly what she would like to see under her Christmas tree each year. And each year the infamous gift guide is more and more outlandish, more and more “ridiculous”, more and more extra, as even Goop itself acknowledges. “Our annual gift guides aim to make holiday shopping more personal, thoughtful, and more than a little playful,” Goop writes.

Playful is as playful does, it seems, with this year’s guide taking gift-giving to frivolous new levels. There’s sexually explicit pottery, padded Chanel mittens that cost more than my monthly rent and a gift subscription to a private jet company. (“For when your’s is in the shop,” Goop helpfully explains.)

But all of that pales in comparison with these eight truly bonkers entries on this year’s gift guide. 

Behold! Here are the things that Gwyneth Paltrow thinks would make excellent presents in the year of our Lord 2018. 

1. A Spanish village

What to get the woman who has it all? Goop has the answer: the Iberian village of Lugo in Spain. It costs just shy of £134,00 and its entry on a realtor’s website is entirely in Spanish, so that’s all the information I have for you. What is involved in buying this village? What happens to the people who currently live there? Are we reverting back to a feudal state and Gwyneth Paltrow is becoming our feudal overlord? I don’t know. But if you’re in the market for a village, Goop knows a lovely one you can buy for someone for Christmas.

2. A custom lullaby recording

For the bargain price of £466 you can buy yourself a custom, bespoke lullaby written and recorded just for you and your baby by British singer Lotte Mullan. You provide the information about your baby and family and Mullan will take it away, turning your descriptions into melodious poetry. Just what every baby needs!

3. A bottle of ‘self love’ spray

A steal at £44, Pink Light’s Self Love Spray is infused with the essence of flowers and crystals and is designed to help you “set intentions” and love yourself. Spray it all around your aura before you meditate or perform a ritual for maximum impact. Remember, it’s not just about what’s inside that counts, it’s about what you spray on the outside, too. 

4. A box of aphrodisiac chocolates

1906 is an impeccably designed brand – think, millennial pink and all that jazz – retailing chocolate-based edibles. Their whole business is about cannabis-infused treats done up in the aesthetic of a high-end chocolatier. Their HIGH LOVE range is a box of dark milk chocolate gems containing 5 mg of THC/CBD and dark milk chocolate coffee beans, also with 5 mg of THC/CBD, as well as the added kicker of Muira Puama, a herb that those in the know call the “Viagra of the Amazon”. Hello!

5. A £67 crystal straw

There’s two powerful forces at play in this gift. First is the reduction of plastic waste: buying a reusable straw is the first step towards curbing the 8.5 billion plastic straws discarded by Brits every year. There’s also the fact that it has a big whopping crystal right at the top of it (how could you miss it?). Rose Quartz is the love crystal, both of yourself and others, and so by sipping your drink delicately through it, you are infusing whatever it is that you’re drinking with love. Plus, according to Goop, “everything tastes better through a crystal straw”. We’ll take their word for it.

6. A smart telescope

What, pray tell, is a smart telescope? Well, it’s a small little portable telescope that is powered by your smartphone, the perfect gift for anyone who loves gazing at the stars. It costs £2,659.

7. A clip-on bidet for your toilet

“It’s about time the bidet made a comeback,” Goop says, and, well, that’s a thing that they said. Tushy, another millennial pink-hued startup, retails cutesy bidet clip-ons for your toilet that start at just £53. Don’t worry, they get their water straight from the tap and not from the toilet bowl itself, but the whole thing is, quite frankly, alarming.

8. A set of 24 karat gold rolling papers

These truly luxurious rolling papers made from actual sheets of edible 24 karat gold are part of the “ridiculous but awesome” segment of the gift guide, and they are accurately categorised. There’s not much else to say other than you get six sheets of paper for the price of £42. Whether or not that is a fair or accurate price is dependent on your thoughts about the value of rolling papers and/or 24 karat gold.

Happy Christmas, everyone! 

Images: Getty, Unsplash