Credit: Getty
7 min read
Female friendships are incredible things. However, they too can become toxic. So, when is it time to close the door on a bond? We find out.
When Dena* first met Cara* it was like something outside of them clicked. It felt like a friendship that had been predetermined by the universe.
“We actually met at a mutual friend’s hen party,” Dena recalls. “Immediately, I was drawn to Cara. We had similar careers, similar interests, and when the conversation flowed, we realised we had the exact same sense of humour too. We didn’t stop laughing.
“So, after the party, we decided to stay in touch.”
For the bones of a year, the pair were in contact weekly by text and phone call. They met regularly for drinks and dinner and even went on holidays together.
“It’s always harder to make new friends when you are that bit older,” Dena notes. “It was lovely to have found a new mate so easily. I was genuinely so happy to have her in my life. She even met some of my existing friend group and they loved her too.”
As time went on, Dena started to notice elements about Cara that didn’t sit right. But she ignored them and gave her friend the benefit of the doubt.
She was my friend. I loved her
“I knew she had a hard time with her family,” she explains. “I tried to be as supportive as I could, and she was the same for me at the beginning. If I had a problem, she would listen and help me through it, but then the dynamics changed.
“It’s hard to explain, but she always had drama in her life. It could be over the smallest thing. Someone could look at her weirdly in the street and it would constitute an hour-long phone call. Then with men, there were huge highs and lows. Her emotions were like a rollercoaster. I’d try to give her advice, but she would never listen. Eventually, she stopped even asking about my life.
“I knew her mental health suffered and I asked if she would go and talk to someone, but she brushed me off and said she didn’t need it. Then one evening, a phone call between us ended and I became so frustrated that I started crying. My boyfriend told me to cut her off. But how could I? She was my friend. I loved her.”
Strong connections
As many women will know, female friendships ebb and flow. Bursts of adoration come swiftly after blasts of annoyance. It’s the natural progression of our learned companionship.
Over time, people change, and so do our friendships. Like romantic relationships, some are fleeting and are to only be remembered after five glasses of red wine.
Despite this, the friendships that last are treasured. They are joyful, intensely complicated and make our lives better. Some are even unconditional, and more satisfying and fulfilling than any romantic partnership.
Friendships are also good for our health. A new study suggests that frequent socialising could actually help people live longer. On top of that, female bonds are so often lauded in the media. From Sex And The City’s tight-knit group to The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants, we’re told these connections are formative, and no consequence of life should break them.
Yet, for people like Dena, a friendship can become exhausting. Instead of adding to your life, it could be hindering your personal wellbeing. But at what point is it time to give up on a friend, and how do you know when to cut the link that holds you together?
Notice your feelings
To understand how a relationship affects you, senior therapist Sally Baker tells Stylist that you have to think about how you feel.
“Do you feel energised, optimistic and more positive than you felt before spending time together?” she asks.
“Or, alternatively, do you feel deflated, jaded, exhausted and depleted? Compare it to feelings after alcohol. Sometimes, the emotions and reactions of being hungover are similar to the feelings of being emotionally drained by a toxic friendship. That is your sign that it is not healthy for you.”
Consider other factors at play
But don’t jump too quickly to conclusions. Life is hard at the best of times, and a bad friend could be reacting to personal hardships.
“If a good, once reliable friend becomes flakey and continually lets you down, don’t make it about you,” she explains. “Find out what’s happening for them. Life changes [happen to] everyone. A new baby or a new job can equally make a friend unreliable for a while, but you can bet if you’re missing them, then they are probably missing you too so cut them some slack and be patient.”
Check in on your honesty
Meanwhile, psychotherapist Noel McDermott says that toxicity in friendships often grows out of a failure to be honest.
“It happens because you can’t be truthful when problems first emerge,’ he explains. “So you compromise to keep the peace or because, in the early days, the good outweighs the bad, but over time it changes.
“We all rightly invest in our friendships and want to keep them, especially if they have been long term. We may not notice until very late in the day that there are mostly problems rather than good vibes. We all try to avoid, minimise or deny problems until we can’t.”
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Ask yourself if you’re out of options
McDermott says it’s time to say goodbye to a friendship when all avenues have been walked down. “If you have tried to help them with issues or have given them chance after chance, it may be time to cut them off,” he says.
“If a friend can’t behave like a friend and be available, then they are not a friend; they are a memory. If in reality, they are not doing friend things with you or for you, it is effectively over. You are trying to hold on to something that doesn’t exist anymore.
“And remember, you are not a bad person if you turn away. Relationships should be reciprocal, and if they are not, then they are not relationships. Though we all may draw more than we give at times, usually the balance swings back naturally. If your friend cannot be there for you then they are not a friend, so you are not walking away; you are accepting the truth and you are ensuring you meet your needs. How can that be bad?”
If a friend can’t behave like a friend and be available, then they are not a friend; they are a memory
Don’t stress too much about closure
Although you may want personal closure, McDermott says a final conversation doesn’t need to be had.
“It’s more than possible that they simply won’t get back to you,” he notes. “In fact, simply allowing things to wither on the vine is often the best strategy, especially if you want to avoid conflict.
“If you don’t fear conflict, you could try talking with your friend about how you have changed and how you have a need to move on to meet new needs. This avoids blaming them.”
Protect your wellbeing
In Dena’s case, McDermott surmises that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. In the long run, Dena will harm herself and be left with new emotional wounds.
“You are a friend, not a psychologist,” he advises. “Stop trying to be one. In this scenario, she needs to put the oxygen mask on herself. I often get asked by family and friends how best to help a loved one who has mental illness or addiction. The answer is to stay well and don’t let their issues make you ill.
“The best healing you can offer someone is to model wellbeing. It’s not to go down the rabbit hole with them.”
Nowadays, contact between Dena and Cara is minimal. She is trying to keep her at arm’s length. Dena knows the current relationship isn’t healthy, but she still worries about her deeply.
Sadly, she knows deep down that the friendship is not sustainable.
“The only reason I feel calm right now is because we don’t talk as much,” she says. “I know that’s a sign and someday, I’ll have to delete her from my mind. But it’s like a toxic romance: it’s bad for you, obviously, but something holds you there. I can’t seem to leave her fully. Not just yet.”
(*Names have been changed)
Images: Getty
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