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Life
This is how many friends we need, according to experts (and it’s not as many as you might think)
By Anna Bartter
Updated 2 years ago
5 min read
We all know that strong friendships are vital for our mental health, but how many do we really need – and why?
If we’ve learned anything over the past three years, it’s just how important our friends are for our mental and physical wellbeing. Studies show that strong social connections not only make us happier but also improve our longevity and even help us build stronger immune systems. And researchers claim that the number and quality of close friendships is the single best predictor of both mental and physical health and wellbeing.
Many of us can’t imagine life without our closest friends, but how many friends do we really need to be happy and healthy? It can seem as though some of us have literally hundreds of close friends (judging by social media, which we all know is a myth, right?) while others favour a tighter, smaller circle. Is there a perfect number of mates, and if so, what is it?
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How many friends should we have?
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Think back to primary school: the chances are you hinged a lot of your self-esteem on how many birthday parties you were invited to (just us?), and even as adults, we’re bombarded by the narrative that a big group of friends is essential. From #BestieGoals on TikTok to romanticised Hollywood depictions of friendship, just how big should our friendship group be?
Well, that depends. After conducting extensive research, Robin Dunbar, anthropologist and professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Oxford, believes that 150 is the magic number. But before you choke on your cuppa – don’t panic, he’s talking about social connections rather than deep and meaningful friendships.
Following his study of primates and brain size, he concluded that our ability to handle social connections is limited to between 150 and 200, dubbed ‘Dunbar’s number’. Interestingly, this number has historical and evolutionary significance, being roughly the size of hunter-gatherer groups and the average Christmas card list (if not Facebook friend groups).
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Don’t mistake quantity for quality
“The optimum number of friends each person should have is subjective and varies from individual to individual,” says Jessica Alderson, relationship expert and co-founder of dating app SoSyncd. “Some people prefer having a small circle of close friends, while others enjoy a larger network of acquaintances. However, what matters most is the quality of your friendships rather than the quantity.”
Our friendship groups have layers
Among these 150 contacts are various layers of friendship, forming ever-decreasing circles – from meaningful contacts to loved ones in our inner sanctum. And how many are in each layer will depend on your personality, too.
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Introverts v extroverts
“Where we sit on the introversion-extroversion spectrum greatly influences the number of friends we have,” says Alderson. “Extroverts are five times more likely than introverts to say they have a lot of friends, for two reasons. First, extroverts simply spend more time socialising. They meet more people, and they have more opportunities to form and maintain friendships.
“Introverts, on the other hand, are naturally more private than extroverts, meaning they are more selective with whom they share their inner world. This means that they generally have fewer friends, but those friendships are often very close.”
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Three to five friends could be perfect
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This is the number we’re all most interested in. These are our ride-or-dies, our best friends, our can’t-live-without-you friends for life. And there’s good news for the introverts among us: studies show that those of us who have between three and five very close friends report higher levels of life satisfaction than those with fewer friends – but it’s important to note that however small your friendship group is, it’s the quality of those friendships that is really key.
So, there’s no need to feel despondent if you only have one or two amazing friends – you might very well be better off than someone with an expansive, more superficial group. Sidenote: there’s nothing to suggest that pets can’t be one of your fabulous five, so if the only interaction you want at the end of a long day is a cuddle with your dog, you do you.
If you focus on cultivating meaningful relationships with people who bring joy, understanding and support into your life, you will find your equilibrium
Jessica Alderson
The type of friendship matters
As we get older, research suggests that we start to value quality over quantity when it comes to our social circles – and that’s no bad thing. We’re also more likely to value real-life interactions over virtual connections as we age.
“It’s important to remember that numbers like how many followers someone has on social media or how many parties they’ve posted about in a given time period have little, if any, impact on wellbeing,” cautions Alderson. “It’s the quality of our relationships that makes the biggest difference.”
Diversity is important in friendships
Most people would agree that while we naturally gravitate towards like-minded individuals, exclusively surrounding ourselves with ‘yes’ people isn’t good for anyone. Having a varied friendship group can broaden our minds and enable us to be more empathetic.
“Different friends can bring positivity to our lives in different ways and help us see the world through different lenses,” says Alderson. “It can be beneficial to have a diverse group of people in our lives who we can count on – just not so diverse that we can’t maintain deep connections.”
Ultimately, no matter what science or other people might think, the right number of friends for you depends on your personality and lifestyle, and how much energy you can invest in maintaining them.
“If you focus on cultivating meaningful relationships with people who bring joy, understanding and support into your life, you will find your equilibrium,” says Alderson, and that sounds good to us.
Images: Getty
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